Before & After: A Real-Life Story

A year ago I wrote a post called “Tending Towards Fat” and among other things, I wrote about how pissed off I was during a trip to Nova Scotia with my husband Tim because, after a three-hour hike along some of the most spectacular shoreline in the world, I was “starving” and Tim was “not really hungry.” We had stopped for lunch at a local deli. We had gotten a couple of wrap sandwiches and he said, “boy these are huge” and that he might not be able to eat all of his.

Inside I was fuming. Not only did I think I could eat all of mine, I also knew I’d probably still be hungry afterwards. In fact I was angry that I was hungry in the first place and that Tim wasn’t. I was angry because I knew I’d be in the mood to “snack” all afternoon. I was angry because our dinner reservations weren’t until 7:30 p.m. and I didn’t want to look like a piggy after eating my “huge” sandwich. I was angry because I felt like eating out of control. I know myself well enough to know that when I feel like this, it’s usually hormonal. And that was certainly the case this time. I was able to forgive myself a little, but at the same time felt as if I had taken several steps backward.

In the end, I didn’t finish the whole sandwich, mostly because I didn’t want to eat more than Tim did, and was able to wait for dinner without dying of hunger. But I was still angry about it.

And it made me think of all the times we went on vacation and how much of that time was spent worrying about food and my body, whether it was when I weighed 225 pounds or 165 pounds. Would there be enough food? Would I eat too much? What if I gained weight? Did I look okay? What if I was too big or too scared or too unsure of myself?

Struggle, struggle struggle!

Fast forward to a week ago. Tim and I went to Bermuda. And for the first time…since I can remember? As I was packing, it occurred to me that I was not worried about gaining weight on vacation. And that doesn’t mean that I thought I would pig out, gain weight and just not care. It meant that my new normal is that I trust myself and my body, even if that meant that I didn’t exercise as much or if I ate things that I don’t normally eat (like sticky toffee bread pudding…can you say YUM?). All without worry, guilt, shame, or anger. And without gaining weight.

And so I wanted to revisit that “Tending Towards Fat” post, specifically this bit:

The Tendency of the Mind*

Thin…Fat

Focused…Distracted

Inner directed…Outer directed

Concentrated…Diffused

Attention on one thing…Attention on many things

Linear thought/speech…Modular thought/speech

Listens…Talks

Patient…Impatient

Tenacious…Vacillating

Sees process…Sees goal

Planned gratification…Instant gratification

Aware of self…Aware of others

Calm…Frantic

Prefers solitude…Prefers company

Emotionally open…Emotionally guarded

Methodical…Spontaneous

A year ago, in response to this, I wrote:

WOW! With few exceptions, my mind tends towards “fat” (and Tim certainly tends towards “thin”). On some level, I know that this is part of my problem and that these “fat” tendencies are things I want to change. Not because I think I am a bad person because of them, but because I don’t feel good inside when my life trends in the “fat” direction. And my life has been trending in that direction for a couple of years now. I know the answer lies in setting a goal, something that until now, I have not wanted to do. Stay tuned though, because I am about to set a goal!

When I look at this now I have to laugh because, even though it says that “fat” is associated with goals, and even though I have always hated setting goals, I still believed that I had to set one!!

In fact, I had a recent light bulb moment about goals and why I hate them. For pretty much all of my life, I didn’t know what *I* wanted. I didn’t know how to even figure it out or articulate it. I constantly looked outside myself for advice, validation, and so on. Please someone just tell me what to do!!

And so, because I didn’t know better, I would take on other people’s dreams and goals as my own. And the minute I did so, I’d slam on the mental brakes because I didn’t really want that goal. And then I’d beat myself up because I thought there was something wrong with me. You know how it goes…

Now I am tending towards thin: I am more focused, more inner directed, more patient, more tenacious, I am all about process, I am more aware of myself, I am calmer, I prefer solitude, and I am more emotionally open.

That said, I freely admit that I still have some “tending towards fat” behaviors: I tend to be distracted, I pay attention to many things (at once), I do not think/speak linearly, and I am spontaneous. I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t take these things as seriously as I once did…or at the very least don’t think I need to fix them.

*from a book called Act Thin, Be Thin by Howard Richman

At the basis of what we* do here is a desire…a desire for what? Thinness? Happiness? Healthiness? Fitness? Peace? Contentment? Acceptance? Confidence? Normalcy? Control? To weigh X? To wear size X? All of the above? Forever and ever?

And there’s been discussion lately about the right way to get “all of the above forever and ever.” Some advocate intuitive/mindful eating, some swear by a certain “diet,” and others believe in counting calories or points. And don’t forget exercise! Sometimes the discussion gets a little tense and defensive.

But here’s the thing: if what you’re doing works for you, why change it? I think the answer lies in the definition of “works” and that definition is going to be different depending with whom you speak.

For some, “works” means they’ve worked hard, counted calories, exercised, reached their goal weight, and have kept the weight off for a certain amount of time.

For others, “works” means they’re healthy, they feel good in their clothes, they can look in the mirror without cringing (in fact, when they do look in the mirror, they smile and think loving thoughts), and they don’t “obsess” about food or the number on the scale.

And then there’s everything in between (not that I think the two examples I’ve provided are polar opposites…they’re just two examples).

I pretty much fall into the second category.

I have always wanted to believe that this was possible, “this” being feeling good about my body (no matter what), losing weight, and being healthy WITHOUT having to weigh myself, diet, count calories, and feel hungry. It’s taken me a damned long time to figure it out for myself, but I did. And I get that it may not be what “works” for someone else.

I think one of the hardest lessons to learn is that we can know something but not be able to live it…have knowledge but not know how to apply it. It is possible; it just takes time, patience, and practice. As I like to say, “it takes as long as it needs to take.” If we force ourselves to fake it before we’re really able to live it and know it in our cells, then we might slide back…but even THAT is part of the process too. It’s part of the practice. The problem is we see it as “failure” instead. And we all know what happens when we think we’ve failed…

But here’s the real test (in my humble opinion) of whether it “works”: no matter which category (or subset, or combination thereof) you want to put yourself, are you truly happy and confident in being there? Do you trust yourself?? Do you worry about what others think?

I sometimes do. I like where I am right now but there are times when I think that others are judging me because…well, for myriad reasons. Although I SAY I don’t obsess about the number on the scale, the fact is I don’t even know what it is because I don’t want to know. I haven’t weighed myself in over a year. And that in and of itself might be considered obsessing or unhealthy. But for now, it’s what “works” for me.

*”We” are those who blog about health (emotional, physical, mental), body image, weight loss, and fitness.

(gee, I just realized that I’ve been using fable analogies lately)

I have more to say regarding yesterday’s blog post:

For those who want to compete I am behind you 100%! I am screaming and leaping for joy on the sidelines!! I am crying those tears of “wow” with you. I am thrilled for you. I know how much time, dedication, blood, sweat and tears it takes and I know how freaking awesome it feels to cross a finish line. I remember how excited I was to run my first 5K…and who knows? I may do another one some day.

But in hindsight, I see that running races was not really *my* dream, even though it felt like it at the time. I did it because I didn’t know what my dream was and I got caught up in the tide. I did it because I thought it was one more way I might fix myself or become part of some club that would make me feel better about myself. It’s what the cool kids were doing.

And the not-so-funny thing is that I have done this most of my life. And not just with running or other sports, although that’s the form it has taken in the past few years. A long time ago I wrote about the first time I ran and described it as what “wow” feels like. Little did I know that there was another “wow” that would come my way a little further on down the path that had nothing to do with running.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my fitness routine and what it does for my body, but I no longer need to “become an athlete.” I used to think that “becoming an athlete” was somehow required…that once we’re on this journey and we lose some weight, we’re expected to don the mantle of athlete and be continually working towards a fitness-related personal best.

I am a late bloomer. It has taken me a really long time to figure some stuff out. I am not complaining or denigrating myself, just telling it like it is. And I am more than okay with it.

And here’s the thing: in allowing myself to…

…figure out that I didn’t know I was doing this in the first place, and then…

…figure out what my dream actually is, and then…

…pursue that dream…

…I no longer need to numb myself with food.

…NOT!

But I know a lot of people who are. Or for half-marathons, triathlons, 5Ks, boxing matches, black belts, and body building competitions…you name it, people are training for it! And sometimes it feels like I must be the only one out there who doesn’t want to compete!

I was reading a blog post by Tara over at 263 And Counting about her decision to stick with her half-marathon training and not go for the full.

In it she wrote this:

“For three days I lost sleep, I didn’t eat and I gained three pounds due to the stress of actually thinking I could do it. At the end of those three days I realized something important: This wasn’t fun anymore.”

And this:

“I like the idea of being the distraught fat girl comes back to save the world theory but this is not the time nor the place.”

And this:

“I need this journey to be slow paced enough for me to learn what works and to examine what doesn’t work. I need this journey to be about pushing boundaries and setting goals that are not only attainable but also achievable in a safe manner.”

The next part of my post isn’t addressed to Tara specifically, but to all of you DFGs out there who might be thinking, “hmmm…maybe I should start running…”

To be honest, I think too many of us DFGs like to jump on certain fitness bandwagons because we see all the glory and high-fives and “you go girl”s that others are getting and we want it too. And it appears, somehow, that running a race is an easy way to get it, whether it be a 5K or a marathon.

I think a lot of DFGs set themselves up for unintended, unimagined consequences when they decide they should push themselves that hard and intensely. I know a lot of DFGs who think (consciously or unconsciously) that training for and running a marathon will make them skinny. It’s in the back of their minds the whole time.

I am not saying that all DFGs do this…but I did it and I see others doing it too.

Now, I am all for a challenge, fitness or otherwise. But it’s important to know what will really fill you up. It’s important to know what you *really* want…what fits your personality. We need to be sure of what we’re really after when we make a commitment to something as huge as running a marathon.

Part of my problem was that, for too long, I didn’t really know what I wanted. And so I went after other people’s goals and aspirations. I let other people’s dreams become mine. And I’ve been doing that for such a long time that I didn’t even realize it!

Now that I do know what fills me up, what makes me excited to get up in the morning and push myself, I know that I don’t have to use fitness to get the high-fives and “you go girl”s. For sure, I am exercising and loving my kettlebell and kickboxing workouts, but for me the glory is coming from something totally unrelated to weight loss or fitness. And it’s a beautiful thing.

Do you know what you REALLY want or are you letting someone else’s dream become yours?

Do you remember the story by Hans Christian Andersen?

In it, an Emperor who cares for nothing but his wardrobe hires two weavers who promise him the finest suit of clothes from a fabric that is said to be invisible to anyone who is unfit for his position or “just hopelessly stupid.” The Emperor cannot see the cloth himself, but pretends that he can for fear of appearing unfit for his position or stupid; his ministers do the same. When the swindlers report that the suit is finished, they “dress” him in the new suit and the Emperor then marches in procession before his subjects. A child in the crowd calls out that the Emperor is wearing nothing at all and the cry is taken up by others. The Emperor cringes, suspecting the assertion is true, but holds himself up proudly and continues the procession. (Thank you Wikipedia.)

Lately I’ve sort of been feeling like the Emperor. I have come to such a place of peace with my body and with food that I can hardly believe it. It’s like a miracle. At first I was hesitant to really say it loudly and proudly because I don’t know how much weight I have actually lost. I haven’t been on a scale in over a year. But let me say it now:

I AM losing weight!

But there’s a part of me that wonders if I am just “hopelessly stupid” because no one is saying a word to me about it really. Maybe it’s not obvious to anyone else…maybe I haven’t really lost any weight at all? The first time I lost weight everyone made comments. But then again, the first time around I made a big huge stinkin’ deal about it. It was all I could talk about. It became my whole identity, for crying out loud!

This time I am not talking about it much at all. It’s not taking up practically every waking moment!

And even though I don’t want to admit it, I sometimes wonder what other people think…are they looking at me and thinking, “well, you don’t look like you’re at peace with food” or “You shouldn’t be at peace with that body.”

But I know better than that. And I know what’s more important to me now is that people know me as a happy, vibrant, excited, woman who is focused on living her life, pursuing her dreams, and loving her friends and family.

I have toyed with the idea of getting the scale out of the closet and maybe someday I will, but for now I think I like it this way. It’s freeing to not be associated with a number. I am free to focus on things that are much more fun and which fill me up with joy…it’s taken me a while to realize just how much space that damned number used to take up in my head!!

Or, clarification about what *I* think it means to struggle, and why I didn’t want to any more…

Or, how I want to be in the world, revisited…

A couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation online with some friends about kids struggling with those inevitable issues that kids struggle with. And I wrote:

“We so want for them to not feel any pain or anguish. We don’t want them to fail, feel stupid, be fat, unhealthy. And yet, and yet…we felt those things…and we lived. We struggled. We thrived. We had moments of victory! We cried, ranted, raved, and laughed. And what a gift it is!! We didn’t “get it” all at once and have perfect lives. And neither will our kids. And so who are we to take that away from them?”

Yes, Miss I-Don’t-Want-This-To-Be-A-Struggle herself wrote that and I believe it with all my heart. So far, my 47 years here on Earth have not been all happyhappyjoyjoy. And for that I am grateful. I like the learning, the frustration, the damnitalltohell anger, and the days when I just want to cry and cry and cry. And I’ll tell you WHY I like them: I like them because I know they’re part of life, that they’re temporary, that embracing them gives me wisdom, and that I can’t have happyhappyjoyjoy without them. I can’t have those soaring, I-love-the-whole-world days unless I have the days are complete and utter struggle.

Emotional struggle helps me have “ah-ha” moments, as lame as that might sound. And I believe that, as hard as it is sometimes to probe those tender places – to “go there” – it’s harder not to. Because not going there usually results in self-destructive behavior, at least for me.

But that doesn’t mean I want to welcome and invite struggle into my life…on purpose. I don’t want to assume that “life is hard”…or that living a healthy life is hard. As I have said a million or more times before: if we view this as a battle, that’s exactly what we’ll get. Oh, and I love what Jack Sh*t had to say about it:

This isn’t a combat detail. It’s a rescue mission.

It’s counterproductive, if not downright destructive, and there will be collateral damage. Besides, there will always be uninvited struggle and hardship.

So what do I mean specifically? I spent many, many years numbing my feelings with food. For a long time I didn’t realize that that’s what I was doing. I knew I was fat and not happy about it. I knew that I wanted to lose weight, or so I thought. And every time I tried to lose weight it didn’t work.

And then I started getting more aware. And I lost a lot of weight. And then I regained some of it.

I’ve written millions of words on this very blog about the awareness that has come my way.

And the more aware I became, the more frustrated I got, because my overwhelming hunger always seemed to get in the way of losing that regained weight. It was a constant struggle to control myself. And when I just couldn’t control myself, then tapes would start playing: “I’m pathetic, I can’t control myself, I’m lazy, I’m stupid, there’s something wrong with me.” And when I say “me” I mean my spiritual/emotional/personal me, not my physical body.

(I will say right here that I now believe there were some things wrong with my physical body, and getting those things fixed has made a world of difference).

It was a struggle to deny myself food when I felt hungry, whether it was real hunger or not. It was a struggle if I had reached my calorie limit for the day and was still hungry. It was a struggle if I was “good” and didn’t eat, and it was a struggle if I was “bad” and ate beyond the limit. THAT is the struggle I didn’t want in my life.

And so I played games with myself to talk myself out of having those extra calories. I would try and distract myself…and yet, that pit of hunger would gnaw at me. Or I would lie to myself. Or justify. Or make an excuse. Or giggle and laugh to take attention off the real issue.

So yes, I have struggled and I am grateful for my struggle and all the learning that has come from it. But I am also grateful that this isn’t a struggle any more. I am grateful that when I said, all those months ago, that I don’t want this to be a struggle, that it wasn’t in vain. That  I don’t have to white-knuckle it any more.

And because I have found it for myself, I want others to have it too. But I also know that we all walk our own paths…and so who am I to take that away from someone else?

I’ll close with another quote from Women Food & God:

“Women can’t imagine a world in which they stop dieting or trying to fix the size of their thighs. … They have whole friendships built on commiserating about the 20 pounds they have to lose and the jeans that are too tight and the latest greatest diets. They fit in by hating themselves.”

And so it’s scary to think about giving up something that is so engrained. It’s why that phrase “I felt as if I were sinning by announcing to the world/myself that I could trust myself” has been ringing so loudly in my ears. I want to just come out and say it, but it feels like a betrayal of the sisterhood.

There’s a young woman named Emmie who’s blogging about her weight loss journey here. Recently she wrote about whether or not to go to a casting call for The Biggest Loser (TBL).

Apparently, she had tried out before but was not chosen. She took it hard. Then, just recently, she got a call from a TBL producer telling her that TBL would be in her area again and that she should come on out.

In the end, she decided that she really didn’t want to be on TBL, that she was doing this for herself and in her own way. I think she made the right decision but there were others who thought she was crazy not to want that kind of opportunity.

And I thought, the opportunity for what? To be on national television? To have every minute of every day monitored for months on end? To lose massive amounts of weight quickly? To compete against others? Because I’ve never seen TBL, I don’t know exactly what goes on, but I have a good idea…I’ve read about it and heard others discussing it in great detail. Yeah, how great would it be to have a whole team of weight loss experts taking control of your life for however many months it is, AND walk away with a whole lot of money (IF you’re the biggest loser), 15 minutes of fame AND having lost a lot of weight? You win, right?

At one time, this scenario would have appealed to me because I had no faith in myself whatsoever.

Anyway, I am really proud of Emmie for the decision she made. The longer I am on this journey the more I know, in the deepest part of my soul, that I have everything I need, right inside myself. And so does Emmie and so do you. I have come to believe that when we look outside ourselves we get tripped up, we stop trusting ourselves. And trust in ourselves is the real, long-term solution. If we don’t then we will continue to look outside ourselves and find only short-term answers.

To me, “winning” is having that unshakeable faith deep down inside, knowing that I can handle anything that comes my way.

And so back to the original question: is competition always good? I’ve been around the “diet program” block a time or two (more like 25) and almost all of them end up having a “competition” element to them. Not to mention all the personal blogs out there with challenges and whatnot, all in the name of “motivation” to “keep going” with weight loss. There are fitness challenges, and accountability challenges, and points-counting challenges…I know you know what I am talking about. And maybe for a very few, these work and weight is taken off forever, and they never have to look back.

But if you know me or have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I don’t like challenges. That’s not to say that I haven’t signed up for a few over the years, but I always regret it when I do. It goes against every fiber of my being.

And so, overall, I think this kind of competition is counterproductive. I’m not saying “don’t run a 5K” or don’t challenge yourself in a way that feels right to you. I am saying that the challenge or competition mentality, when it comes to our bodies and our health, is probably more of a distraction than a help. I think it pushes us into a more narrow definition of what’s acceptable for ourselves.

But at the same time, it opposes the idea that we’re supposed to be bettering ourselves, pushing the envelope, and stepping outside our comfort zones. Or are we?

I think it becomes more important to both know who and what we are and to know who and what we are not! There have been many times when I wanted for myself what I saw others having: like the high-fives and the “you go girl” that comes with crossing the finish line of a half marathon. Or being a weight-loss success story. But those moments are fleeting. Or you might feel the not-rightness deep down inside…and if you “fail” at one of these challenges, you will feel that you’ve failed yourself. I know because I’ve been there done that too many times to count.

I get the idea of wanting to excel and be great at what we do, but it seems to me that we, as a society, have gone way beyond that noble idea and are now pushing ourselves too far and too hard. We don’t want to be who we are, we want to be better, stronger, smarter, faster, richer, funnier, thinner. It’s not good enough to excel at what comes easily to us, we must struggle to become…what? To transform ourselves into…what?

When we see “everyone else” getting praise and high-fives publicly, we want it too. But it gets in the way of being ourselves, which ultimately is our greatest gift to others.

And so I believe it’s really important to know what you really want. On the surface, it may seem like what you want is weight loss. I know that’s what I’ve wanted. But what I’ve discovered, now that I’ve had weight loss (and weight re-gain), is that’s not what I really wanted. What I really wanted was to express myself via writing and to be heard. And when I allow myself to have what I really want, the rest just comes naturally.

So focus on three things: what you really want, what comes easily to you, and what you love. In most cases it will be the same thing and it will be valuable to yourself and to others. And when you feel of value, your body will respond in kind. I know mine does.

Or is it the other way around?

“I felt as if I were sinning by announcing to the world and myself that I could trust myself.”

Ever since I read this sentence in Women Food & God, my mind won’t let it go. Everything I hear or read, I hear or read through the filter of: “I felt as if I were sinning by announcing to the world and myself that I could trust myself.”

I’ve been thinking about all the times I didn’t trust me and thus looked outside myself for an answer. It’s sort of what we’re trained to do these days, right? We look for the answer in food, in other people, in books, in pills, in diets, in seminars, in church, and in god.

Once, in high school, I looked for the answer in a Bible study. But those Bible study folks scared the crap out of me. They spoke in tongues and told me that if I danced and listened to rock and roll, that I’d go to hell for sure. But they promised me…all I had to do was give my life over to Jesus and I’d be saved. Yeah, right.

But who hasn’t allowed themselves to be swayed by a gimmick and a promise? Both the diet industry and the god industry are full of them. In fact, they are sometimes combined!

So I’ve been thinking about what it might mean it we were all able to honestly say and believe: “I trust myself. I’m good right where I am. I have everything I need.” Because that’s how I feel right now.

And it feels, at once, wonderful and scary. It feels empowering and threatening. It feels humble and pompous. It feels like I’m saying  “I know it all” even though I know I don’t. And I guess that’s where the sinning part comes in…I mean, who am I to feel that way on my very own??

I’ve been known to be a resister…I resist having other people tell me or show how to do things. Especially certain people. Just ask my mother. I shy away from step-by-step instructions, even when they seem to work for everyone else. I end up having to piece together my own solution based on everything I’ve experienced, the books I’ve read, the things I’ve heard, and the people I’ve known and learned from. And what a mosaic that is!

For a very long time I resisted god. It’s only been recently that I’ve been able to believe in god in a way that makes sense to me. And that means not separating god from myself. Maybe it’s a control issue. Wink.

Seriously though, it’s not that I think I am god, but that god is within me, guiding me along to BE me. And god is in everyone else too. And when I say god, I don’t mean a “religious” god…I mean a force that is greater. Is it possible that we are, at the same time, our imperfect selves AND a force that is greater than our selves.

And so now, this trust thing that I have going on? What is it? Is it god? Is it me? Is it an illusion? Is the access to trust is god? Or is god the access to trust?

Please note that my use of the lower case “g” for god is intentional, but not meant as a sign of disrespect to anyone. It is meant to distinguish between god as I see it and the religious “God.”

Now that I’ve had a few days to process my reaction to what the hormone specialist suggested, I’m am actually grateful for that interaction, even though I had to go through an ugly patch to get to this point. It was a gift (and I knew it was, even when it felt like it wasn’t), because in the end, it helped me clarify what I really want.

In case you haven’t noticed, I sometimes have a hard time knowing exactly what I want…I have a hard time setting goals and I have a hard time being objective about myself.

And it’s sometimes difficult for me to have the confidence to just go ahead and do something without feeling the need to get input, advice, and approval from others. And without fanfare and announcements. And when faced with too many choices or too much advice, I tend to shut down and resist. Especially if it conflicts with a decision I’ve already made.

After reading Women Food & God, I had an image in my head of what practicing it would look like. That’s something else I tend to do: read something that blows me away and then think that there’s some perfect way to “be” afterwards.

So anyway, I’ve been hesitant to come right out and say, “I want to lose more weight.” Yes, that’s been the idea all along, but I’ve had to come to this point in my own circuitous, non-linear fashion. And as I have said (a million times or more), “It takes as long as it needs to take.”

I have never wanted to call what I do here a “weight loss” blog because I didn’t want it to be about that, specifically. I want it to be about the things that contribute to healthy, happy living knowing that if I am healthy and happy, my body will find it’s way naturally, without counting calories or fad diets.

So, after my appointment with the hormone specialist, I made an appointment with my naturopath, because she (along with my “regular” doctor) is who I consider to be my “primary care physician.” I wanted her to be aware of what the other doctor was promoting, as well as get her input on my cholesterol and thyroid numbers. Besides, it was she who recommended the hormone specialist and I wanted her to know my reservations. To my relief, she “got it.” And she’s not worried about my cholesterol, mainly because my “good” cholesterol is so good that it will protect me from my “bad” cholesterol until we can get it back in the okay range (and it’s not too far out of range at this point).

Not to mention that the rest of my lab work shows that I am in excellent health! Not to mention that I am happily working out five to six times a week. Not to mention that I am losing inches!

And so this brings me to back to what I said in my last post, about what’s best for me. And the hormone doctor touched on it, as did my kettlebell trainer: I need more protein. At one time, when I was actively counting calories, I was aiming for at least 90 grams of protein per day and trying to eat most of it before mid-afternoon.

Now, the hormone doctor wants me to try an 800-calorie-a-day fad diet and my kettlebell trainer wants me to eat more red meat (local, grass-fed, organic) and whole milk (raw). And I don’t want to do either of those things. But I know (intellectually AND on an instinctual level) that eating more protein is in my best interests. And so I am willing to make a rule for myself: eat at least 90 grams of quality protein a day and in order to ensure that I am, I will count protein grams.

Along with that, I have started to “food blog.” It’s not something I am going to announce every day, but if you want to see what I am eating, you can visit my Photographic Food Diary.

Several of my favorite bloggers do this, for various reasons, and I’ve heard everything from “it’s a spiritual practice” to “it’s just another form of food/weight obsession.” For me it’s a practice in awareness, as well as a way to get myself into the habit of making sure that I am sitting down to well-prepared, well-presented food and not just grabbing something mindlessly. It presents a way for me to practice one of the eating guidelines that Geneen Roth advocates in Women Food & God: eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. Because I work at home, I usually eat breakfast and lunch alone.

And doing these things will help me with my ultimate goal: more trust in myself.

If you’re interested, please check out these food blogs:

http://amerrylife.com/food/

http://www.loserforlife.com/

http://foodiesfood.wordpress.com/

It Was Part Of The Process

Yesterday’s emotional brain dump was an exercise in feeling emotions that felt as if they could destroy me. In the moment of writing, I was crying, sobbing even, and it felt uncomfortable. But it also felt fantastic. I was not destroyed. But for those of you who read it, I imagine that it was only uncomfortable. And I suspect that some of you have felt the same way.

The support and advice I got is very much appreciated.

Pat wrote: “This is pointing you somewhere. Go with it. What opportunity is this incident with the doctor giving you?”

It’s funny, my immediate reaction is to say that the opportunity I am being given is to prove him wrong, but that’s an old pattern, based on old ways of being. I’m still thinking about this one.

Lynn wrote: “Listen to yourself, hear what’s underneath the ‘bad girl’ talk, and you’ll know what you need to do to make peace with yourself.”

I think this, too, goes back to old patterns and ways of being.

“Don’t talk back.”

“Listen to me when I am speaking.”

“Don’t rock the boat.”

“I know what’s best for you.”

Joy wrote: “Have you, by chance, read the wonderful book by Tribole and Resch (who both happen to be nutritionists) called Intuitive Eating?”

I haven’t read this book, but the Living Lighter class I took at the beginning of 2090, which is what inspired this blog in the first place, used material from the authors of Intuitive Eating. I’m definitely going to check it out!

And Journey Beyond Survival wrote: “When it comes to taking his advice you can do it your way and still have the outcome he desires. That is not being bad. That is being smart.”

To be honest, I think part of the “outcome he desires” is a revenue stream that comes from sales of the Ideal Protein products. That said, it’s in my own best interest to start looking again at how much protein I am eating (not to mention fiber). At one time I was making sure I ate at least 75 grams of protein per day…and some days even more. I did this in an effort to curb my cravings for carbs and to eliminate what I call “false hunger.”

In the past five or six months, those cravings have gone away and the control I am experiencing is something brand new to me. And in my effort to “just be” and “listen to my body” and “eat intuitively” I’ve stopped tracking. Not to mentioned that I’ve also lost some weight since the last time I saw this doctor…I’ve lost between three and four inches off my waist and am wearing clothes that used to be too small.

And maybe that’s what’s bothering me…he didn’t recognize this, even when I told him.

But getting back to what’s best for me, I realize that in some ways, I’ve returned to either/or http://kclanderson.com/before-and-after/either-or-and-both/ thinking…it’s either strict accountability, counting calories and dieting, or it’s free-flowing intuitive eating.

My brain is percolating with some ideas.