Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it’s asking others to live as one wishes to live. ~ Ruth Rendell

Difficult mothers often want their adult daughters to live as they do (without even realizing it, mostly).

“We do it this way.”

“In our family, we don’t ______.”

“That’s not how I raised you.”

It’s a phenomenon known as tribal shaming.

And when we choose differently?

That’s when the criticisms start.

And rather than taking a deep breath and living as we wish to live anyway, we react from our conditioning and flip the criticism right back on our mothers. We become difficult.

Drama ensues.

There’s a better way: smile and do it your way, anyway. No explanations, justifications, or defensiveness needed.

Reveal the pattern.

Heal the shame.

Transform the legacy.

We can unlearn the things we learned from wounded people.

This too is an act of love.

Much, much love,


Reveal patterns. Heal shame. Transform legacies.

P.S. Chapter 21 in Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters goes into more detail on tribal shaming and offers a process for dealing with it in a healthy way.

P.S.S. This is EXACTLY the kind of patterns we will be revealing and healing in the Make It Real 2020 Transformational Book Club. More than 75 of you have signed up already and it’s going to be EPIC. Check it out. When I think about the healing that will be happening, I grin like fool 🙂

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