What decision are you grappling with right now?
Maybe it’s something seemingly insignificant. Vanilla or chocolate? 😉
Or maybe it’s something that, when you think about it, feels intractable.
Maybe it’s something like deciding establish a boundary with your mother or even to go no-contact.
Maybe it has nothing to do with her…except that she modeled for you an inability to make empowered decisions.
You mull it over with your partner or your friends. You ask others who have made a similar decision.
And yet you still can’t seem to get there.
You put it off. And it looms ever larger.
What should I do?
Just tell me what to do!
Because I don’t want to make the wrong decision.
It’s not necessarily because you’re afraid of some specific thing happening, it’s because of what you will feel if that specific thing happens: regret, guilt, shame, _____.
And if you feel regret, guilt, or shame, that will mean you can’t trust yourself.
But regret, guilt, and shame are simply sensations in your body that are uncomfortable, that you make mean there’s something wrong with you.
I am not making light of this. I know what those sensations feel like and I don’t like them either.
No decision is perfect. In fact, I’d say that decisions, by their very nature, are imperfect, because things that we can’t foresee or plan for might happen as a result of the decisions we make. And we don’t think we’ll be able to handle those things and the emotions that accompany them.
What if, instead, you gave yourself permission to believe that all your decisions are the right decisions?
And that if, in the future, it’s not working out you make a different one?
Right now, you think that if making a decision MIGHT result in feeling regret, guilt, or shame in the future, it’s “wrong.”
You’re not considering that you can course-correct. Pivot. Flex and adjust. You can decide to trust yourself not only to handle whatever happens, but to feel whatever sensations your body offers up to you.
So, how do you make the right decision? Make it and give yourself permission to know it’s the right one.
Much, much love,
P.S. The inability to make a decision may be one the most costly legacies your mother handed to you. This is just one of the things we work on in my six-month Mother Lode 1:1 Mentorship.