One of the most insidious things that gets passed down to us through our maternal lineages (whether our mothers are “difficult” or not) is the fear of talking openly about issues that are important to us.
Of expressing ourselves joyfully or seriously or angrily or…
Of celebrating ourselves.
You may also find yourself fearful or disdainful or jealous of women who choose to use their voices and express themselves.
You may find yourself on the receiving end of a woman who is fearful or disdainful or jealous of you using your voice and expressing yourself.
Because at one time women were burnt at the stake for doing so. Or drowned. Or stoned to death. The fear runs deep. And that fear expresses itself in all sorts of ways.
I recently had the opportunity to share some of these ideas with a woman who reached out to me via Facebook messenger.
In her message she said that while she “respects me very much” she also suggested that I “be careful about how obviously left wing” I am, and that my “political opinions/posts should be kept quiet in a world that is so divided at this time.”
She went on to tell me that not everyone agrees with me and that I am, “in fact,” losing followers because of my recent political posts (on social media). She also said that women she knows “have voiced that they unfollowed” me due to my “political outbursts & clear disregard for those who do not agree with” me. She closed with, “you’re indirectly pushing your opinions on people who look up to you and I think you should know the type of influence you have on people.”
I won’t lie. The first thought that went thought my head was, “She sounds like my mother.”
I noticed sensations of anger and fear…and shame. How dare she scold me! Is she right? I let the feelings and sensations move through me. I went on with the rest of my day.
Later, I asked myself: How do I want to show up in this situation? Do I want to respond? If yes, how?
My answer: I want to be a grown-ass woman who leans into the values she holds close: dignity, expression, and audacity.
I asked myself: What do I believe that will have me showing up that way? How can I lean into my values?
My answer: I love humans. I have healthy, mature boundaries. I respect myself. I trust myself. I am an example of my work.
And it was from that place that I responded.
Her words are a symptom of a collective wound I am here to help heal and my response was an (imperfect) dose of the medicine we all need.
Her assumption that I could “influence” so many people suggests she thinks that women cannot or should not make up their own minds and stand their own ground, which is antithetical to what I believe.
She was engaging a practice known as tone policing, which will have one woman doing whatever it takes to keep another woman “safe.”
If your mother shamed you, this is most likely why (although I am guessing she did so unconsciously).
I’ll be the first to acknowledge that I have acted out of that collective wound many times in my life and have been lucky enough to have women who were courageous in calling me in to heal it. I am proud of myself for heeding the call.
Why am I sharing this with you?
Because this is the basic process I teach my clients in regards to their relationships with their mothers. It’s how I conduct myself in my relationship with my own mother.
Because we must normalize working WITH our nervous systems, not against them. This is literally how we create safety, resilience, and self-trust.
And because I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect learning and teaching opportunity.
At it’s core, the coaching and mentoring I offer is about taking control of the way you experience the world and the people in it (starting with your mother). It’s about connecting with what it means to be human, being resilient when others humans are upset and angry and threatening, and loving your whole self along the way.
If you’ve been holding yourself back from working with me because you’re waiting for…whatever it is you think needs to happen BEFORE you can work with me, I encourage you to stop that now.
When you click on the link to explore working with me, it’s because you want something. You want the transformation that happens the minute you literally put your money where your mouth is and invest in yourself. And you want support.
Then your brain offers you the thought that you’re not allowed to have that. And? You believe it.
Time and money aren’t zero-sum games.
The work we do together directly impacts your ability to advocate for yourself, speak out on issues that are important to you, express yourself creatively, see and experience yourself as powerful, and literally make more time and money.