…and a lazy, spoiled, know-it-all.
Not to mention, she can be quite petty, small-minded, and mean. And a liar.
What I wrote above is in answer to this question: “Imagine that an article was written about you in your local newspaper. What are five things you would not want to be said about you?” (from “The Dark Side Of The Light Chasers,” by the late Debbie Ford)
Okay, so it was 10 things.
Those are the qualities with which I, when I think about allllllll the so-called negative qualities there are, would really REALLY hate to be associated. I have a visceral reaction to these words and to what I make them mean.
They sting…and my heart prickles with shame when I think about what it would be like to be called those things.
And so, as I work my way through Ford’s book, I am challenging myself to own and embrace those qualities because they do, indeed, exist within me.
I have been all of those things at various times in my life, and even though I strive not to be, there’s always a chance that I can, and will, be all those things again.
In fact, very recently I was controlling and mean.
I was controlling on a road trip to Pennsylvania with my husband (he was driving and I couldn’t seem to help myself when it came to wanting to control how he was driving, not to mention other aspects of the trip…and let me say right now that my husband is a GREAT driver). I am not always this way because I have worked on NOT being this way. But sometimes I am.
In this particular case, it caused a bit of conflict. I pointed my finger at him, and he pointed his at me. But it wasn’t too much later that I realized that what we were both doing was trying to meet our own needs (or preferences).
And so when I look at it that way, when I hold up the mirror and point my finger back at myself, I can see it more clearly for what it is. And, even more importantly, I can tell my husband that my actions weren’t about him, but rather about me. Because the fact is, I don’t like being controlling.
I was also mean. I purposely provided negative commentary on something that someone else found positive and inspiring. I basically rained on her parade for no seemingly good reason.
I apologized and after a day or so of stewing over it, I was able to point my finger back at me and ask myself what need I was trying to meet.
It reminded me of the time, when I was in first grade, and there was another little girl in the class who was crying and I called her a crybaby. And the teacher made me stay after school and write my numbers, from 1 to 100. And to think about what I did.
Contrary to how it might seem, I am not trying to denigrate, put myself down, or shame myself with these admissions.
The act of claiming and bringing these aspects of myself out into the light has been incredibly freeing. I feel lighter and brighter and…relieved.
Some key concepts from the book:
“What you can’t be with, won’t let you be.”
“When we suppress a feeling or impulse, we are also suppressing its polar opposite. If we deny our ugliness, we lessen our beauty. If we deny our fear, we minimize our courage. If we deny our greed, we also reduce our generosity.”
“Once we accept the fact that each of us embodies all the traits in the universe, we can stop pretending that we are not everything… The key is to understand that there is nothing we can see or perceive that we are not. If we did not possess a certain quality, we could not recognize it in another. If you are inspired by someone’s courage, it is a reflection of the courage in you. If you think someone is selfish, you can be sure that you are capable of demonstrating the same amount of selfishness. Although these qualities will not be expressed all the time, we each have the ability to act out any quality we see.”
The emotions, characteristics, aspects, and impulses that we fear the most and try to hide usually hold the key to what is lacking in our lives.
I am a selfish, controlling hypocrite. Oh, and a lazy, spoiled, know-it-all. Not to mention, I can be quite petty, small-minded, and mean. And a liar.
I am also generous, easy-going, and sincere. Oh, and active, grateful, and humble. Not to mention I can be quite receptive, open-minded, and kind. And a truth-teller.
What emotions/characteristics/aspects/impulses do you try to hide and deny in yourself?
I LOVE this.
Such a good post and so thought provoking.
My husband will appreciate this post as I am often HORRIBLE when we take trips and he drives. I truly do want to control what he’s doing. I need to work on this.
Interesting ….
So what need do you think you were trying to meet when you caught yourself being “mean”?
I hate the idea of being a failure. I know that this is stopping me from being truly successful. I guess that I am not always sure of what success for me actually looks like. I just don’t really know what it is that I want to devote my energies to and for what purpose. Working on it …
It’s funny because in one of your recent posts you talked about which lane to be in because of the slow trucks and I SOOOOO related to that!
I think I was either trying to meet the need to be “right” or, oddly enough, I was trying to meet the need for “belonging.”
I highly recommend Ford’s book…it has shifted a lot for me!
I really don’t hide things. I pretty much tell people I am all of the above! I also tell my readers that I am lucky my husband puts up with me cause I am not always as I appear online! 🙂 I think it is a fact of life! 🙂
Wonderful post, Karen! The way you begin and close is so good, too. Thank you.
Thank you for the wonderful, thoughtful post, Karen.
When I was younger, I was a proponent of the death penalty. As I grew older and examined my reasoning, I came to know that it was an unsubstantiated opinion with very little basis for me to justify advocating for it. I have now come, instead, to advocate for forgiveness and acceptance. There are many reasons why – but one clear factor is a friend of mine, who has been pushed to the brink of what most people call ‘sanity’. A normal, mild mannered, non-violent person by nature, circumstances pushed him to the point of plotting violent acts against others (which he did not follow through with). It made me see that EVERYONE has limits and can lose the balance that allows us to interact with each other in a peaceful, civil manner. Realizing this, and working towards allowing these feelings to pass – rather than letting them consume us – takes effort, but as we practice these behaviors they come more easily, and we end in a better, more peaceful place than we started from.