Rehashing the past, even the recent past, with someone (your mother) who is unaware of their trauma tends not to end well.
Her unresolved trauma and triggers make it nearly impossible for her to respond to you in an emotionally mature way.
Instead she reacts.
You can’t make her understand.
You can’t make her wake up and take responsibility for herself or her actions.
You can’t make her see what she did and how it impacted you.
It can be a bitter pill to swallow at first…and then it’s fucking freeing.
What keeps you in the rehashing-the-past dynamic is your hope that if the two of you could just come to some sort of agreement about what happened, then there’d be apologies, forgiveness, and compromise, and you’d move on.
But that (pretty much) never happens.
Because unresolved trauma and triggers. No longer engaging this way might make for a more shallow relationship. But no longer will it feel like you’re banging your head against an endless, unyielding brick wall.
Much, much love, Karen
PS. Not having a deep, meaningful, connected relationship doesn’t mean you’ve failed.