Question from a reader in response to Crying out for Mother…again:
“Hi Karen, I don’t even know what I’m feeling except that I know that you get it. Thank you for expressing what I cannot say and bringing out emotions I can’t name. It’s difficult to not know what I’m feeling. It feels defective to be unable to name a feeling. But I’ll get there. I’m 60 this year. I have three children and soon to be six grandchildren and I’d just like to be free of this longing to fill a void of motherlessness before I die. I went three years with no contact and now because of this pandemic I’ve let her back in my life and all the freedom I felt for those three years is ebbing away. Go no contact again? Will that heal over this hole that I feel is slowly opening up like a radiation injury? Wishing she would die is eating my soul. Any advice from you would be magnificent.”
Dear Adult Daughter…
Take a deeeeeep belly breath.
Unlock your shoulders.
Soften your eyes.
Place your hands over your heart.
And keep breathing.
It’s eating at your soul because you’re telling yourself you shouldn’t have this wish, that having this wish makes you a bad person. A bad daughter.
What if we forget about your mother for a second and focus instead on the shame and self-judgment? You can’t heal what you won’t even allow yourself to have. You think that wish means so much about you. But what if you just allowed it to be there and practiced thinking that it’s okay? That you’re okay? What would open up for you if you were able to see that wish as just a sentence in your mind?
Let this longing, this void, this radiating hole, this wish, this thing eating at your soul…be an opportunity to love yourself more.
To love yourself BECAUSE you are wishing she would die.
Because that is where your freedom and power lies.
And when you can do that, it won’t matter if she’s alive or dead, whether you’re in contact with her or not. Your life will be your own and you will be an example of what’s possible for your children and grandchildren.
Much, much love,
Reveal patterns. Heal shame. Transform legacies. Transform suffering.
P.S. This kind of healing is my jam. Shame will always find a way to keep you in suffering and self-doubt and out of self-trust and joy. Shame will always try and steal your worth. And just like your mother, and my mother, and pretty much every woman on the planet, at some point, you started believing the lie that shame somehow serves you. That you deserve to feel shame. Because it keeps you in line. It became the water we swim in. FTN. Here’s the truth: you have always been worthy and you are more powerful than you give yourself credit for. Hire me to help you. It’s not too late. You’re not too old.
P.S.S, Is this you? Every time I offer the opportunity to schedule a call with me to explore working together, you click the link but never schedule the call. Maybe you wonder…
“Can she actually help me?”
“Is she going to go for the hard sell?”
“Is this safe?”
“I don’t understand what she does.”
“Is what I want worth it?”
Here’s what we do during a Clarity Call.
We chat for an hour and you tell me your story and how it’s impacted you. You get to talk. Uncensored. I listen. I don’t judge.
Then we explore what you want. The big dreams and the little things, too. The stuff you’ve told yourself it’s too late for. The stuff you’ve told yourself others can have/be/do but not you.
Nothing is off limits.
Then we create a vision of what your life can look like. We see where all the time and energy that goes towards trying to cope with and manage that difficult relationship might go instead.
Then we consider what obstacles are in the way. Maybe it’s time or money. Maybe it’s a fear that coaching won’t work. Maybe you’re worried that you can’t do it. We just talk it through. See what’s on your mind. Find the truth.
It’s an hour where you get to say what you want, out loud.
You make a decision that feels good and truthful. And even if we don’t end up working together, YOU change. You get to experience a slightly different version of yourself. It’s an opportunity to love yourself more.
It’s the best use of one hour. For both of us.