Why Weight?

Nothing scares me more than knowing someone else feels nauseated. If I am in the same room with that person, I leave and get as far away as possible. I am serious. I get weak in the knees, I feel drained of blood, my heart pounds, I breathe shallowly, and all I want to do is run away! Far away! Sometimes just hearing (or reading) that someone else feels sick, or has already been sick, is enough to trigger my anxiety.

If my husband Tim has a headache, I ask him if he’s nauseated. If he says he feels like he’s coming down with something, I ask if it’s his stomach. I fear that he’ll lie to me in order to keep my anxiety at bay and so I keep asking. Lately I’ve been telling him to make sure he washes his hands a lot. I know it’s annoying but I can’t seem to control myself.

I remember a road trip we once took from Phoenix, AZ, to Fort Collins, CO (this was back around 1998 or so). The plan was to drive through the Rockies. The first night we stopped in Flagstaff, AZ, and were having dinner out. We got into a conversation with some folks who asked us where we were from and where we were going. When we mentioned the Rockies, one guy said, “watch out for altitude sickness.” I said, “what’s that?” and he replied that it involved headaches, nausea, and vomiting. Wonderful. So I immediately called my friend who grew up in Colorado and asked her how to combat altitude sickness. She told me to stay hydrated and take Tylenol.

First thing the next morning we stopped at the store, stocked up on bottled water, and I made sure we had plenty of Tylenol. I forced Tim to drink a bottle of water right then and there. As we drove and got higher into the mountains, I constantly checked with him to make sure he felt okay. I monitored myself, as well. After several hours of driving at 10,000+ feet and realizing that nothing bad was happening, I was able to relax a little.

Tim and I have told and recalled this story many times and we always get a chuckle, and I think, “How silly was I?” But I am dead serious when I say that my fear was very real.

There have been a number of similar incidents over the years. And then there are the times that Tim has actually gotten sick (maybe three times in the 12 years we’ve been married). One of these times we were in Las Vegas and ate something that didn’t agree with him. And we were in a hotel room and it was the middle of the night, and there really wasn’t anywhere I could go. And the world did not come to end. I was not struck dead. The earth did not open up and swallow me whole.

And even though I logically know that someone throwing up is no real threat to me, my anxiety is only getting worse. I have come to fear any sort of public transportation: airplanes, buses, and ferries (especially high-speed ferries that only have one small outdoor deck). Trains not so much. Maybe it’s from all those years of commuting to New York City on Metro-North.

It hasn’t always been this way…and so far, it hasn’t really stopped me from doing anything important, but in the past couple of months I have started to think that it actually might. I don’t like the idea of having a panic attack; I don’t like the idea of having to continually check to make sure no one around me is feeling ill. I hate to think that I might end up being afraid to leave my house. I am certainly not even close to that point, but sometimes, when I let my anxiety feed on itself, I can see that happening.

But recently I got an unexpected glimmer of hope through a conversation with a woman named Emrys Tetu, whom I met through a small networking group. Emrys is a health counselor and she’s had some anxieties of her own. As we talked, she picked up on the fact that just talking about it was starting to trigger me.

She told me that the greatest help she got was through cognitive behavioral therapy and that while it was effective, it was also very hard. She said that part of her own breakthrough involved going through the motions of a full-blown anxiety attack and asking herself what’s the worst that can happen? And then finally just accepting that yes, the “worst” might happen.

She also talked about how the objects or situations that trigger anxiety come to represent all the other things in our lives (and in the world) over which we have no control. But if we allowed ourselves to become anxious over all of those things than we’d truly become incapacitated. And so we transfer our worries and anxieties onto one thing. And that one thing for me is the fear of other people vomiting, and a close second is the fear of vomiting myself. Emrys also said that once we understand this concept of transference, we’re able to have a certain amount of sympathy for the object of our anxiety because we know that it isn’t their (or its) fault.

Just talking about all of this brought me to tears several times. I was truly frightened. Just thinking about it now as I write this brings me to tears. I have always prided myself on being able to do the hard work, and to go to those painful places, but this is something else completely. While I want to “get over it” I am afraid of the process that will allow me to do so. I know that in some cases, therapists believe that gradual exposure to the actual, feared object or situation is the key. I am not sure I can do that.

I know all of this has to do with “control issues.” I don’t consider myself a “control freak” in general, but when it comes to this particular subject, I feel an incredible need for control. And the fact is, someone who has a stomach bug or food poisoning “loses control” and with good reason! He or she needs to get rid of the bug and vomiting is the most efficient way to do so. I also know that there must be something else driving this anxiety because the level of fear I feel is irrational. Do I want to know what it is?

This entry has been posted as part of Prevention Not Prescriptions Tuesdays hosted by The Kathleen Show.

I have come to believe that it is the intention with which we eat something that matters most. Eating out of guilt, rebellion, desperation, or any other so-called “negative” emotion will almost always have a negative impact. You might argue that eating joyfully can also have a negative impact, and that’s true, but when I really examine why I am eating and what I am eating as a result, then joyful eating is never bad.

The preceding thoughts came to me when I read “Sneaking! Airing My Dirty Laundry,” a post on the blog “Man Meets Scale” by David Kirchhoff, the CEO of Weight Watchers International. In it he wrote: “A few weeks ago, my wife and I were winding down in the middle of the week after a typically long and busy day. She announced that she was going upstairs and I indicated that I would be up in just a little bit. After I heard her go upstairs, my vision got fuzzy and I headed over to the freezer in a somewhat frenzied state. See, I knew there was ice cream in them thar hills. I pulled out a spoon like a trust six-shooter, and dug deep into the vat of Eddy’s (the fact that it was “low fat” was hardly the point). I was a fast and steady gunslinger, as I quickly brought spoon to mouth. Then my wife walked into the kitchen. Ooops. As she put it, I looked remarkably like a seven-year-old boy caught completely red-handed. Red-faced too. Busted!!!”

He then went on to talk about how he used to sneak food as a child and boy did that bring a rush of emotions and memories!

I am a food sneaker from way back and I think I did it out of rebellion. Like many children, I was sometimes forced to eat foods I hated, even if it meant eating them cold for breakfast the next day, or eating what I had tried to swallow and gagged up. To this day, I can’t eat foods with a certain texture: lima beans, peas, kidney beans, black beans, pretty much beans of any kind, mashed potatoes or liver…blech. I don’t blame my parents because I honestly don’t think they knew any better, besides there were starving children in China and they didn’t want me to be spoiled or ungrateful.

Then when I was a little older, my mother might raise an eyebrow or make a comment if I wanted more of something than she thought I should have. So to get back at them, I’d sneak foods I liked: cookies and crackers mostly. I’d look forward to being left home alone, or to being given a babysitting or petsitting job. I loved to raid other people’s cabinets and see what kinds of goodies they had. Of course, I’d try and hide the evidence. When I think about that now, and from the perspective of my own adult self, I know I wasn’t fooling anyone.

Even though I’ve been blogging about this kind of thing for about a year, I don’t think I have ever written about those years. It’s when the bingeing started. Now I can look back at that girl with a sense of compassion rather than harsh judgment. Even just a year ago that wouldn’t have been possible. Another thing I realized when I read David’s blog is that I don’t have to sneak food any more because no one is judging me and so I can truly enjoy my food.

I say this as much for myself as for anyone who happens to be reading this: slow down, relax, be grateful for you food, and eat it joyfully and with pleasure. Take the time to taste and savor it. Think about why you’re eating and the underlying feelings that accompany the act of eating.

This entry has been posted as part of Prevention Not Prescriptions Tuesdays hosted by The Kathleen Show.

It seems fitting that this is my 100th blog entry!

A couple of weeks ago I was thoroughly surprised and honored when my friend Hanlie of FertileHealthy fame chose me for a Happiness 101 Blog Award. It is now my turn to pay it forward:

As per Hanlie’s post, I am to:
1. Copy the image and display it on my blog.
2. List 10 things that make me happy.
3. Try to do at least one of them today.
4. Pass on the award to 10 bloggers who brighten my day.

10 things that make me happy:
1. My marriage and my husband Tim
2. Self-awareness, which in turn, has lead to my being able to give of myself in ways I never thought possible
3. Kickboxing
4. Facebook Scrabble (I have learned so many new words this way and have become a much more competitive player than I ever was playing Scrabble the old-fashioned way)
5. Running
6. My girlfriends, from all walks of life, who have enriched my life
7. Animals and all of nature, but in particular my little Bella
8. Writing
9. My family, which extends out far and wide and has many steps and halves
10. New London, the city I now call home.

And the award goes to… 10 bloggers who make me very happy.

1. Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit because he never, and I mean never, fails to make me laugh (and think). His clever way of chronically his weightloss is beyond unique.
2. Foodie McBody because she’s the real deal and she understands why it’s so important to put it all out there. She writes: “I’ve been struggling with food, body, love, hate, disgust, ecstasy, for as long as I can remember. I’ve been struggling with food, body, love, hate, disgust, ecstasy, for as long as I can remember.” Since a wake-up call (she was diagnosed with diabetes in January of 2009) she’s lost 30+ pounds, started running, and turned 50 being the healthiest she’s ever been.
3. A Merry Life because she’s tremedously wise for her young age and cute as hell (and she’s following her heart and living her own adventure)
4. Hanlie of Fertilehealthy is a beautiful soul. Her goal is a vibrant and disease-free life and she eats a “whole foods, predominantly plant-based, high raw diet.” I particularly relate to how she writes about her emotions.
5. Kim Brittingham of Kim Writes is a woman who, as a social experiment, created a self-help book cover with the title “Fat Is Contagious: How Sitting Next To A Fat Person Can Make YOU Fat”, wrapped it around a real book and carried it around on public transportation in New York City. She then wrote an essay about it and has since been interviewed on The Today Show and NPR. Kim is clever and real, touching, and hysterically funny. She has a memoir coming out soon called Read My Hips.
6. A Weight Lifted is the official blog of Green Mountain at Fox Run, a healthy weight-loss retreat for women. I go here when I need to feel soothed and accepted and normal…to feel that a weight has truly been lifted. Entries include everything from book reviews to healthy recipes to learning to love yourself right now!
7. You’d Be So Pretty If… by Dara Chadwick is a must-read body image primer for parents of girls, and for girls and women of all ages. Dara is the author of You’d Be So Pretty If…: Teaching Our Daughters To Love Their Bodies Even When We Don’t Love Our Own
8. YumYucky does taste tests and blogs about them and “finding the balance between fitness and your greedy side.” And she’s always willing to pose for the photographer to make her point!
9. MrsFatass This blog post says it all.
10. TheCrazyWomanInsideMe (Susan) is laugh-out-loud funny and she chronicles healing from AS (ankylosing spondylitis–an autoimmune disease) and losing weight at the same time. She’ll make you laugh and cry.

…You’re Never Gonna Keep Me Down!

I got up early today for a meeting and didn’t feel exhausted. And I was cheerful. And energetic.

I sat for a few hours at my desk and my knees weren’t stiff or painful when I got up.

I thought about going out for a walk with the intention of trying to run.

I grabbed my iPod. As I walked, I listened to my RUN! playlist. I recalled that day, back in 2005, when I ran for the first time.

And I walked and walked. And my knees didn’t hurt.

And so I set my iPod to Melissa Etheridge’s “Run For Life.” And I ran. For the whole 4 minutes and 23 seconds of the song. And my knees didn’t hurt. And I walked some more and got choked up. Lyme disease is not breast cancer, not even close, but I swear I never thought I’d feel this good again.

Then I set my iPod to a song to which I used to be able to run forever: John Mellencamp’s “Human Wheels” In fact, during a 5K a couple of years ago, I kept resetting my iPod to “Human Wheels” because it seems to be the perfect pace for me. And I ran for the whole 5 minutes and 35 seconds of the song.

Next up was “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba. And I laughed out loud. And I slowed to a brisk walk for the rest of the way. And now here I am, writing this post, and flexing my knees every once in a while to feel the absence of pain.

I used to be a “regular” on the Exercise & Fitness support board on eDiets. eDiets was a key component in my weight loss journey, and the folks who post on the E&F board, along with the moderator, Raphael, are a great bunch for motivation, support and an ass-kicking if you need/want one.

And then, oh, say six months ago I started feeling sorry for myself, guilty, stupid, whiny, and all those other useless I’m-a-loser-beat-myself-up emotions. I wasn’t doing what I thought I should be doing. I felt like I was spinning my wheels and that everyone was rolling their eyes at me. Well, not really…but I know I was rolling my eyes at myself. And so I stopped going there.

Part of the reason I stopped is that it was hard for me to be consistent with my workouts. And the reason it was hard for me to be consistent is that my joints hurt. My body hurt. I was tired. And I was getting depressed. Vicious cycle stuff.

I yearned for the day when I would feel worthy enough to go back. I thought that if I could become that powerhouse I used to be, then I’d go back. But I also knew that the whole point of a support board is…well…support. It’s where we go when we need help and encouragement.

And then I got a sign. In the past couple of days something significant has happened – my knees stopped hurting. The treatment I am on for Lyme is working! I describe it as being like the absence of noise. You know when there’s some low-level monotonous noise in the background for a long time and then all of a sudden it’s gone and you go “oh, I didn’t realize that noise was making so much noise!” And then you feel relief. That’s what I am feeling right now.

So I went back and posted my weekly routine, it’s not too ambitious, but it’s a start and it feels good to have a week’s worth of workouts planned. And it will feel good to go there every day and cross that day’s workout off the list.

Part of what I posted there included this:

(Lyme disease) “explains why I hurt all the time and why, as a result, I didn’t enjoy the physical activities I used to love! And I would try, and I would complain, and I would feel like a loser, and I wouldn’t want to come here and post that I didn’t do what I said I was going to do. It explains why sugar became my enemy. It explains my lack of focus. It explains why I am often tired when I shouldn’t be. It explains why I used to be able to do jump squats and sprawls but then couldn’t…it explains the depression from all of it!”

I got a warm welcome from everyone and several comments like “sorry to hear about your health issues.”

Whoa. Stop right there. Insert sound of record player needle scratching across a record album. “HEALTH ISSUES?? Who me? I don’t have health issues. I am fine.” That’s exactly what went through my mind when I read those comments. And then I immediately realized where that thought came from: the old family programming that being sick is somehow a personality flaw and that the tick who bit me and gave me Lyme disease must have known that I wasn’t eating right and exercising, because that’s the root of all evil right there. So funny isn’t it?

It’s good to be back.

This entry has been posted as part of Prevention Not Prescriptions Tuesdays hosted by The Kathleen Show.

In December, I kept a running list of things for which I am grateful. Here is that list, in no particular order:

• Tim
• non-fat Greek yogurt with berries, peaches, and walnuts
• the new friends I’ve made this year
• the feeling of self-acceptance that I have cultivated this year
• three grown, healthy and happy stepkids and a new son-in-law
• that I discovered naturopathic healing
• that John was able to do my hair yesterday even though I was 20 minutes late to my appointment (not on purpose)
• Lindt Intense Orange dark chocolate
• Jason Mraz
• sunshine
• that I reached out to friends yesterday instead of stuffing my face
• forgiveness
• those who attended the Flavours of Life holiday shopping benefit
• Bella who curls up with me to sleep
• the feeling of inclusion I get being a member of the Southeastern CT Women’s Network
• Tim
• our warm, safe, little home
• Facebook Scrabble
• myself
• my BIL Joshua, who is helping me kick Christmas dinner up a notch
• understanding
• John Irving
• asparagus
• my sister Holly
• glimmers of hope when I feel hopeless
• my blog
• the amazing community on Twitter
• that we’re not going to get a lot of snow on Sunday
• the ability to feel as much as I do
• Tim, always and forever
• Tim
• music
• flash mobs
• unfiltered EVOO from Saeed’s Market
• Sensei Sheryle
• my Mom
• A Voice In Recovery
• hot showers
• fresh mango, even in December
• Morgan Freeman’s voice
• tomato soup
• Ezekiel english muffins
• peanut butter made from organic peanuts and nothing else
• being physically fit enough to shovel 16 to 24 inches of snow off the driveway (so much for being grateful that we weren’t going to get a lot of snow!)
• the space heater in my office
• the Internet
• Claude and Bella
• my silk comforter
• the Sunday crossword puzzle
• those moments of peaceful surrender
• Tim
• the Winter Solstice (more daylight from now on!)
• 40+ degree temps for the next 10 days, with an excursion to 58 on December 26 (melt baby melt!)
• Sam, who has brought such joy and love into Jessica’s life
• the wonderful relationship I have with my Dad
• a man I know only as “Subperceptual”
• bright sunshine and a clear blue sky
• seeing this today: “Don’t assign negative values to your expressions of self.”
• time to plan, clean, and prepare
• sore muscles
• Tim
• Dr. Groves
• diagnoses
• treatments and solutions
• taking it step by step
• excellent cholesterol/metabolic numbers
• my book club
• hope
• crushed ice
• Tim
• my girlfriends at Ignite!
• knowing I don’t have to go to the store until after Christmas
• knowing that if I do, in fact, need something, Tim will go
• Tim
• preparing for our party and not feeling overwhelmed
• feeling better mentally
• knowing that I will soon feel better physically
• having Tim home for the 11 days
• Tim
• iTunes and being able to create a custom Christmas playlist
• being able to play my custom Christmas playlist wirelessly through our stereo system
• melting snow
• letting go of some residual pissiness regarding a certain someone
• my BFF Lisa
• my sister Holly
• my brother-in-law Joshua
• my niece and nephew, Macy and Madison
• my stepmom Liz
• my stepmom’s soon-to-be husband Richard
• my stepdaughter Jessica and her husband Sam
• my stepson Jeremey
• my stepson Bryan (who was not with us this year)
• the Dahlin family, Deanna and Peter and their amazing, wonderful children, Rebecca, Abigail, and Joe
• Chardonnay

So, following up on my last post, I want to report that immediately after I lied to X (about my Lyme disease diagnosis), I chose to be honest and told the truth. In an email. Right away. It was a relief. I wrote, in part:

“The truth is that I do have Lyme disease and didn’t want to tell you until after I had been treated…. The truth is that I didn’t want to deal with your reaction to my news…. I am uncomfortable that I lied to you. I own that.

I think boundaries are a good and healthy thing for the both of us, so from now on I will be honest and tell you when I don’t want to talk about a certain subject and I hope that you will respect my wish and trust that I’ll do the right thing. I like being open and honest, even if you don’t agree with me, or approve of how I am handling certain aspects of my life.”

I’ve been thinking about my role in the bigger picture, which is that I let myself and X because I didn’t create a healthy boundary. And that led me to be angry and defensive.

In my quest to have a good relationship, I thought that all I needed to do was be loving and supportive, but without the appropriate boundary, I became fake and inauthentic instead. I was all nicey-nice. I made such a point of avoiding conflict with X, in the end, conflict was all I felt when I was around, or spoke to, this person. That’s my issue.

Below is a primer on setting boundaries. I found it years ago but can’t give proper credit because I don’t remember who sent it to me. If anyone recognizes it, please let me know!

The Top 10 Tips for Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are an important part of creating a life that works well for you. Boundaries are lines of protection that you draw in your life. You decide what is and isn’t okay and then hold people and yourself to these boundaries. Developing this skill is an important part of living a life you love. The first step is to decide that you value yourself enough to draw these lines and the second is that you value others enough to teach them how to be with you.

1. Be compassionate.
Setting boundaries can be an act of compassion. You are a teacher…teaching others how to be with you and modeling an important skill for effective communication. Being compassionate and setting boundaries can go together. Empathize with where they are coming from and set the boundary.

2. Charge neutral.
When you are setting a boundary it is critical that your voice be charge neutral. If there is a charge to your communication then the message can get lost and the clarity of the boundary becomes clouded. Practice speaking without a charge in your voice so it feels natural.

3. 4-Step model.
Use this 4-step model to set boundaries. It is simple and effective and can keep your communication on track and guide you through the process of setting and holding to your boundary. After you have defined your boundary follow these steps: (1) Inform the person that you have a boundary, (2) Request that the boundary be respected, (3) Insist that the boundary be respected and (4) Leave or end the interaction with the person at this time.

4. Practice.
Find someone with whom you can practice setting a boundary. Practice your new skill and when you get more confident then start setting boundaries with others in your life. Start setting boundaries with people who will offer little resistance and then move up to more challenging people. Get a feel for what it is like to draw the line.

5. Body language of confidence.
Watch your body language. Do your shoulders slump? Do you look down when you are talking? Do you mumble? Do you fidget? Start becoming aware of how you come across. You want your body language to communicate confidence, so challenge yourself to hold you shoulders back, sit up straight and make direct eye contact.

6. Use “I” statements.
When you are speaking, be responsible for the words coming ou of your mouth. Make “I” statements that reflect how things effect you, what you believe, or your ideas. “You” statements can put people on the defensive and detract from effectively communicating a boundary.

7. Don’t take things personally.
How other people behave, act, and think often has nothing to do with you. It has to do with their life experiences, their beliefs and the agreements that they have made with the world. You can be responsible for your own communication and yet not take it personally.

8. Find your own words.
Listen to how others talk, learn different ways to language what you want to say and read how others communicate and set boundaries. Then develop your own way to speak…find your own voice and your own style of expression. That way it will be natural for you.

9. Don’t assume responsibility for others.
Don’t assume responsibility for other people’s feelings. Again this has much more to do with them and their views of the world. Create clear direct ways of communicating and allow others to feel how they choose.

10. Be aware of your own sensitivity.
When you first begin setting boundaries you might be very sensitive to what people ask of you or how they relate to you. You have opened up a new awareness and you may be viewing your communication in a completely new light. This is great, but it can also get in the way if you jump ahead in the 4-step model or your new sensitivity affects the charge of your voice

This entry has been posted as part of Prevention Not Prescriptions Tuesdays hosted by The Kathleen Show.

I just realized what a huge injustice I was visiting upon myself. Here’s the uncomfortable truth: I’ve been lying to someone (X) about something because I don’t like dealing with this X’s reaction to this particular something. I allowed myself to believe it was a matter of self-protection, but then wondered why I felt so awful. I also realized that my defensiveness was sending a message: “I don’t trust myself.”

I am learning to exercise a weak muscle:

the it’s-okay-if-this-person-is-angry-with-me muscle

the it’s-okay-if-this-person-thinks-I-am-stupid muscle

the oh-I’ve-created-a-prison-for-myself-but-now-it’s-time-to-set-myself-free muscle.

For too long I have censored myself around X, especially when it concerns certain topics because I don’t want conflict over how I live my life and the decisions I make. And if I am honest, I see that censoring myself has not only led me to lie, it’s led me to become inauthentic. And that just won’t do!

It’s the day after Christmas and many of my friends and family are talking about their favorite gifts. It didn’t take me long to realize that the best gift I could have ever received is my recent Lyme disease diagnosis.

Now that I’ve had a few days to “be” with it, I am rather excited. The day after my appointment, I was in shock. It challenged assumptions (both positive and negative) that I had made about myself and it took some time to adjust what I now consider a new reality.

I know Lyme disease is not cancer or AIDs. It’s not a death sentence. But it has definitely affected my quality of life both physically and mentally. It feels really good to know that I know I don’t have to suck it up any more. “It” being the symptoms I just assumed were due to age, weight gain (which in and of itself is a symptom), and, if I am honest, some sort of character flaw (that’s the old family thinking creeping in).

There is a lot of conflicting information out there regarding Lyme disease, how you get it, how it’s diagnosed, how it’s treated, symptoms and so on. I’ve decided to keep my focus on myself and not what anyone else says (except my naturopath, who has a solid track record curing people with Lyme). I am going with the premise that in a month, after this treatment, I will be cured and I will feel better.

I am looking forward to:
• sleeping better
• having more energy
• not having waves of fatigue wash over me at random time during the day
• being able to run again without feeling like I am going to break
• being able to kickbox without feeling like I’ve been beaten up afterwards
• being excited like I used to be about running and kickboxing!
• a sharpening of my mental focus
• a reduction in the “haze” I sometimes feel in my brain
• waking up feeling refreshed
• waking up (or standing up after having been sitting for a while) without my joints screaming
• muscles that don’t feel tired/achy/rusty for no good reason
• not feeling depressed, weak, lazy, or “less than” because of these symptoms

Yes, this is what I’ve been putting up with and “accepting” for I don’t know how long. There are times when these symptoms seem to worsen, and times when they’re not so bad. But now that I know they aren’t my fault, why I have them, and that they will go away, I readily acknowledge them.

I had an appointment with my naturopath today to go over the results of my blood work. I have Lyme Disease, a “sluggish” thyroid, Epstein-Barr virus, low vitamin D, and low vitamin B12. Otherwise, I am fine. ☺

I don’t think I realized just how nervous I was about this. I felt rather “low” and full of dread today, which I chalked up to hormones, but I think I was also anxious about getting the results. When she told me about the Lyme Disease, I burst into tears…I am relieved in some ways, and scared in others.

In the big scheme of things, it’s not a big deal, but it sort of presents a shift in what I thought my reality was. I think the symptoms I have (stiff/achy joints, fatigue, low energy, difficulty taking off weight, depression) came on slowly over time and I attributed them to age, weight, and working out. I sort of got used to feeling this way and so didn’t complain too much. I also think that I didn’t want to admit to these symptoms for family-related reasons I’ve explained before. The idea that some or all of these things might go away thrills me.

The most important thing is to treat the Lyme. My doctor says she’s treated hundreds of patients with Lyme using a homeopathic remedy and I trust her. It’s a series of 10 treatments taken every three days for a month. She’s also given me an immune system booster to take at the same time. I’d rather treat it this way than with the megadoses of antibiotics typically prescribed (and which don’t always work!). If the remedy doesn’t work, then I’ll consider a different course of treatment. I have a feeling I’ve lived with this for quite a while anyway. I had a test done 10 or so years ago and it was negative but she said that the traditional test used often presents false negatives. Something else I was surprised to learn is that Lyme may be transmitted sexually and by mosquitoes.

Once the month is up, she’ll switch me to a treatment for the Epstein-Barr and we’ll look at my hormones and adrenal function (which are tested via saliva). In the meantime, she also gave me vitamin D to take by itself, which will help with depressed feelings and help boost my immunity. I am excited to move forward and to feel better and while I acknowledge that it will take time, it’s going to take longer than I want it to.