Why Weight

I am thrilled at announce that this week’s blog post comes to you from Green Mountain At Fox Run, a women’s healthy living and weight loss retreat in Vermont. Marsha Hudnall, Green Mountain’s Program Director, asked me to write about self-acceptance. You can read my guest blog here: In Quest for Health, Self-Acceptance Comes First

I decided to respond to Foodie McBody’s comment to Relax, Just Do It in a whole new blog post because I found that the more I thought about it, the more I felt the need for delving a bit deeper into what it means to trust myself and to relax around food. Foodie wrote:

“It’s such a tricky balance, isn’t it? I do believe that the one reason I have had positive results this time around is that I have trusted myself more than ever. And yet I know that part of me is still wanting to play “getting away with it” games and so I have to have a certain level of vigilance. For example, I have not “allowed” myself to just “go for it” and eat things that have triggered me in the past because I just don’t trust that I can eat a small amount and feel satisfied. Some things, especially desserts, I can be OK with a small taste and actually feel satisfied but other things – mostly carb-y comfort foods… not yet.”

I so get playing the “wanting to get away with it” game. I’ve done that many times. But I’ve had a slight shift in the way I think about it. Those who’ve been reading know I can’t have certain foods in the house. And the way I feel right now is, “but I don’t eat those any more…that’s not who I am.” So I those foods aren’t on my radar (at least not right now). It’s not like I really want to eat them and am holding myself back with white knuckles.

On the other hand, there are foods that are perfectly fine but which I still associate with guilt and being “bad.” I don’t binge on those foods but I often feel the need to justify eating them, or feel guilt while eating them.

Being that way hurts me on a psychic level…it hurts my body’s psyche to feel guilt rather to be enjoying my food. Not trusting myself hurts my body’s psyche. So the intent with which I eat something is just as important, if not MORE important, than what I am eating.

This morning I was pleased to see several responses to yesterday’s blog post (Altering My Thoughts) about my decision to put the scale away and they reinforced my choice. Then I read a fantastic blog post (“How Eating As Much As You Want Can Help You Lose Weight”) by Marsha Hudnall, the Program Director of Green Mountain at Fox Run.

I responded to it with this: “What trips me up is the fact that I lost 55 pounds (then regained ~20) and so I can’t wrap my mind around the idea of eating what I want because I view that as eating the way I might have back before I lost the 55 pounds. Does that make sense? It’s funny because yesterday when I was free writing I wrote: ‘I think I just need to let go of everything. All of it. Let go and let God. And I am not a religious person. I can’t to go back to the old ways of being and eating because I am not that person. It’s not who I am’.”

This rambling led me to a faulty thought I’ve had for a very long time:

“I need to be in tight, strict control all the time because I can’t trust myself.” I think part of this has to do with the fact that I think I lost 55 pounds by being in tight, strict control all of the time, even though I don’t remember it being that way.

So what is the opposite? How do I want to think instead? How about: “I trust myself to do what supports my health and I can relax because I know it deep within myself”?

• I can’t trust myself so I must be in strict control at all times. I can’t relax, I must be vigilant!

• When I am not vigilant, I am out of control and I become angry with myself.

• There are times when I am not in strict control BUT not wildly out of control either.

• There are times when I trust myself.

• When I allow myself to feel good, I trust myself.

• When I accept myself, I trust myself.

• It is possible to believe that I can just relax and trust myself, and it is also helpful to believe it.

• I CAN trust myself AND relax whether or not I feel it.

• So, the truth is, I trust myself to do what supports my health and I can relax now because I know it deep within myself.

It’s amazing to me how quickly negativity can creep back in, even if we’ve only opened the door to it a crack. I went to this morning’s Living Lighter class feeling rather negative, even after yesterday’s blog post about being tempted into confusion. Actually, the act of getting clear brought me face-to-face with the scale this morning, which hasn’t budged an inch and so those old familiar thoughts flooded my mind:

“but I’ve been so good!” and

“damn, I guess the potato chips and strawberry shortcake on Saturday were a HUGE mistake even though I ate so very healthily the whole rest of the time” and

“I’m sooooo tired of thinking about this” and

“I need to let go” and

“what is wrong with me?”

So I dumped all my negative thoughts onto paper with the intent of shredding them as soon as I was done.

Then, quoting the works of Esther & Jerry Hicks, Amy wrote:

“Moving from a negative ‘knowing’ to a positive, life-affirming ‘realization’ takes either a bolt of lightning or a series of successive alterations of thought.”

She asked me what my most negative thought was.

“I am weak.”

She then lead me through a series of successive alterations to get to the opposite, which I stated as “I am strong enough to do anything.” Successive alterations are statements that I believe to be true.

While she explained how the process worked I had a small “bolt-of-lightning” thought: my mother is often surprised when she is viewed in a positive light. I have heard my mother say things like: “wow, she really likes me,” or “I guess I made a good impression,” or “I can’t believe I’ve made such good friends.” And I sometimes feel the same way. It’s often a revelation to me when I am accepted or liked or included. And I am often surprised at my level of strength and fitness because it wasn’t all that long ago that I couldn’t walk up a hill without having to take a break.

But back to the successive alterations that come from my initial negative and faulty thought: I am weak.

• There are times when I am not weak.

• I feel strong when I do things that support me.

• When I feel strong, I am in control.

• That out-of-control person is not who I am.

• I may have moments of weakness but my commitment remains strong.

• It is possible to believe that I am strong, and it is also helpful to believe it.

• The number on the scale is not an indication of my strength.

• I am strong whether or not I feel that I am.

• So, the truth is, I am strong enough to do anything.

This exercise got me to thinking about the damn scale. I have gone back and forth on whether or not weighing myself is good for me. I have moments when the number is nothing more than an objective measure of one aspect of my physical self, and moments when it is an indication that I am a weak, unmotivated, and undisciplined slacker.

So I had ask myself, does weighing myself move me towards strength or weakness? Are there other, less painful ways to gauge my strength and progress? How my clothes fit and how I feel are very good gauges, as are monitoring my calorie intake and my moods.

In fact, it’s time for me to start Step 2 of the Potatoes Not Prozac plan, which is to keep a “food and mood” journal. The recommendation is to note the date and time of every meal, what I eat or drink, how I feel physically, and how I feel emotionally. I’ve been consistent with logging my food at www.fitday.com but I’ve never really taken note of how I feel. I am making the commitment to do this for a month.

And for the time being, the scale is going in the closet.

I generally do not use this blog to write about the weather but I need to vent: it has rained and/or been cloudy for the vast majority of May and June. The temperatures have been 10 to 20 degrees lower than normal.

I’ve been fighting a weather-related funk and, in turn, have not wanted to write much. I feel confused, foggy, and static. The good news is that with increased protein for breakfast and lunch I am not struggling with false hunger. But I am struggling with a funk-induced desire to comfort and numb myself with food, hungry or not. What I’d really like to do is crawl into a cave and hibernate until the sun comes out.

Last week Amy asked: “What is your temptation and how do you resist?” I knew she wasn’t talking about Goldfish crackers or Smarties. She was talking those behaviors that tempt me away from the path I am on: the path of self-acceptance and a healthy body weight.

As I talked about how my week had gone all I could hear was the “blah blah blah” of myself talking in circles, not really sure how I was. She asked me to think about what is tempting me…I made a few notes.

“I am tempted to have someone else tell me what to do.”
“I am tempted to have someone hold my hand”
“I am tempted to give up control.”

And then it came to me: “I am tempted to be confused.”

Being confused serves me because someone else will “take care of it.” “It” being whatever it is I don’t want to deal with.

Being confused also hurts me because it keeps me stalled and is depressing. When I am confused and want to stick my head in the sand, I don’t grow and learn. And that feels bad and then I want to numb and comfort myself. And the cycle continues.

If confusion didn’t exist for me what would my life look like? I’d be clear about everything I want and I’d just do it.

I find that when I am in a good mood, there is no confusion. I am clear about what I want and I am not tempted to be confused and stalled. There is no struggle and I make choices that support what I want for myself.

So how to extract myself from this funk? I’ve developed a couple of mantras that I’ve been repeating:

“I am stronger than the weather.”
“Suffering is optional”
“It is my choice to have a good day no matter what.”

In addition, I am using my SAD (seasonal affective disorder) lamp to simulate sunlight. I purchased this lamp for the winter when daylight is at a premium but I am finding that it works just as well for

Did I give in to my temptation? Yes I did and I spent a little time over the weekend comforting myself with food. The good news is that I am still in the habit of getting that protein in, that I took the time figure out what was tempting me, and how to turn it around and reverse the stall.

What tempts you? What takes your attention away from the path you’re on? The temptation to be distracted? Confused? Passive? In control? Out of control? The temptation to hide, to cave, or to give up?

In the end, it’s about mastering the ability to turn our temptation around and getting right back on the path to living the lives we desire.

I was going to call it a minor accomplishment, but it is, in fact, a rather major victory. My husband is out of town for the first time since I started eating more protein for breakfast and lunch. In the past, his being out of town has usually meant that I don’t take care of myself and that usually takes the form of not making myself dinner. It usually means that I meander the grocery store aisles looking for food items on which to binge (Goldfish crackers and Smarties were my sugar drug of choice) and perhaps a couple of glasses of wine with which to wash it all down.

None of that has happened. Instead I went to a kickboxing class at 7:15, after making myself a light dinner. I am now at home, enjoying a snack of fresh raspberries, which I bought at the store this afternoon, along with some other, non-binge-inducing items that I needed (spinach, Kashi waffles, Greek yogurt, and tuna). I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about getting some wine, and that I looked at the Goldfish crackers for about a second longer than is necessary as I walked by the cracker and cookie aisle. I had a couple of “I’ve-been-so-good-that-a-little-something-won’t-hurt” thoughts. But these thoughts were not like clanging cymbols in my head, they were just…thoughts.

As I finished my light supper, I was thinking, “Oh, this isn’t going to be enough, I still a little feel hungry, how am I going to feel after I kickbox?” I decided I worry about it later. I brushed my teeth (no one likes a kickboxing partner with bad breath!) and voilá, hunger gone. It wasn’t real.

I kickboxed for 45 minutes, came home and took a shower. I knew my raspberries were waiting for me, and a cup of camomile tea. I am not hungry, I am not annoyed, I am not frantic, I am not struggling…holding myself back at all costs from jumping into the abyss. I am not craving anything at all. I am truly at peace.

It’s been a little over two weeks since I have upped my protein at breakfast and lunch and I’ve been consistent with it. Every day. If you know me, “consistent” is a word I used to hate because no matter what, it seemed impossible to be consistent.

But guess what? I love how eating 60 to 70 grams of protein before 2:00 p.m. every day makes me feel! So why stop?

In case you’re wondering what 60 to 70 grams of protein looks like, here you go:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with protein powder and an egg mixed in before cooking OR two eggs, two turkey sausage breakfast links and two Kashi waffles

Lunch: Five ounces of tuna, mixed with a variety of fresh veggies and served on whole-grain pita with a slice of melted cheddar

Snack: Non-fat Greek yogurt with fresh peach slices OR low-fat cottage cheese with fresh pineapple chunks

Please note that this is NOT a low-carb diet.

I used to be afraid to consume too many calories in the first part of the day because I thought I wouldn’t have enough for later, which is when my hunger kicks in. Besides, it’s not like I was ever starving in the morning.

But the fact is, when I eat more (protein) for breakfast and lunch, I don’t NEED or WANT to eat a lot later in the day!

Yesterday afternoon was an exception. I was feeling rather unfocused, distracted and yes, hungry – even after eating a protein-packed breakfast and lunch. I was momentarily panicked and annoyed, quickly followed by a fleeting thought: maybe-I’ll-just-go-ahead-and-eat-whatever-WHATEVER! What the heck? Could it be that this is just one more stupid plan that won’t work? That I am freaking loser who’s hungry when she shouldn’t be?

Of course not. I am so not going there. The reason I was feeling hungry is because I had some wine the day before and that extra sugar made itself known to me. It’s simple chemistry and biology, nothing more. And with that realization, I grit my teeth, ate 10 almonds and forgot about it until it was time for dinner.

One of the first people I met at eDiets back in 2004 was Lisa. She was a fixture on the Overcoming Obesity Together (OOT) support board. What I like most about Lisa is that she’s honest and says it like it is, even when “it” might not feel great. I always appreciated her candor even when I might have resisted what she was telling me.

I caught up with Lisa (and some of the other OOTers) recently on Facebook and Lisa wrote (in response to a thread):

“…thinking constantly about losing weight makes you crazy! LOL It gets exhausting, it really does. I see these people in People magazine who have lost a ton of weight, and they have usually done it all in one shot. It’s different when you struggle year after year. It wears you down. Being able to take a break from constant vigilance and just enjoy life is great, but eventually I think we all have to bring that vigilance back or we go back up that scale. Thats what I’ve found for myself anyway.”

This was my response:

“Exactamundo, Lisa. Earlier this year, in one of my darker moments, I wrote ‘I am on a quest for the sweet spot – that balance between a healthy body weight (and image) and self acceptance right now.’

Add to that the idea that if I view this (‘this’ being that quest) as a struggle…as a fight to be fought, then that’s exactly what I’ll get. I’ve been saying that for years!

It’s been slow going but I think I have finally hit that sweet spot…

First came the self-acceptance right now…even though I am 20+ pounds heavier than I was at my lowest weight in 2006.

From that came a willingness seek out information and knowledge that I might not already have. And now, finally (just this past week!), I am joyfully embracing a healthy eating plan that does not feel like a struggle. And if the scale is any indication, my body is releasing weight once again. And I don’t mean the same five pounds I’ve been playing with for months and months and months AND MONTHS!!

For me the key has been getting ~30 grams of protein at both breakfast and lunch. I swear it feels like a switch was flipped…no more carb cravings, no more false hunger and I am FREAKING HAPPY!

Those who know me know that a “diet”-related challenge usually turns me right off. Like setting a goal, a “challenge” usually paralyzes me with fear – fear that saying it out loud and committing will actually work in reverse and I will get the opposite of what I want.

Then came the FabFatties Challenge, which started yesterday (Friday, May 29) and will run through June 12. I met the Angie and Shannon (the fabulous FabFatties) on Twitter (you can find them on Twitter @fabfatties and me @KCLAnderson). These gals have really lit up the place with their humor and general joie de vivre.

Anyway, they set up a a number of steps you can take each day to bring you closer to health. What I like about the challenge is that it isn’t about perfection, it’s about progress. It also recognizes that a positive attitude and engaging others is part of our overall health.

Here are the steps:

• Eat 5 servings of fruits and vegetables daily (5 points)
• Drink 8 glasses of water a day (8 points)
• Exercise (1 point per minute)
• Do a random good deed (5 points)
• Stop drinking soda pop for a day (1 point)
• Actually read someone else’s blog post and leave a comment (1 point)
• Answer the FabFatties random bonus questions, which are posted daily on their blog (5 points)
• Recommend two fabulous friends from twitter and tell us why we should follow them (2 points)
• Eat a healthy breakfast (1 point)
• Lose weight (1 point per pound)
• Keep a food journal for the day (5 points per day)
• Take a walk during your lunch break (5 points)
• Have a friend join this challenge (25 points per friend)

I will keep a log of my points here every day:

May 29: 123 points
• Fruits/Veggies: cabbage, spinach, tomatoes, peppers, onions, raisins, peach, (5 points)
• Water: (this will not be a problem for me as I usually drink ~100 oz of water a day) (8 points)
• Exercise: 20 min on the TM, 20 min upper body strength training, 45 min kickboxing (85 points)
• Random good deed: I treated my stepdaughter to a massage (5 points)
• Soda (don’t drink it anyway) (1 point)
• Blogs: I read and commented on @Hanlie’s and @NessaPaige’s blogs (1 point)
• Random bonus question (5 points)
• Recommend: (2 points)
• Eat a healthy breakfast (1 point)
• Lose weight (my weigh in day is Tuesday, stay tuned)
• Food journal (I use http://www.fitday.com) (5 points)
• Walk during lunch break (5 points)
• Have a friend join this challenge (0 points)

As I wrote in my previous post, I am developing what I call “Karen’s Rules of Trigger Food Disengagement,” as per Dr. David Kessler’s recommendations in his book The End of Overeating.

He makes a good point when he says that having rules takes control from trigger foods and places it squarely with myself. So without further delay, here are my rules, so far.

I refuse foods I can’t control (trigger foods).

I limit the amount of time I am exposed to trigger foods.

I remember what’s at stake.

I don’t stop. I walk on by. I turn my attention elsewhere.

I actively resist when necessary.

I use the thought-stopping technique. When I experience a trigger, I switch off the associated thought immediately. No debates. No maybes.

I use the counter-conditioning technique. As I experience a trigger, I immediately associate it with a negative consequence. “If I eat that, I will feel awful.” I undercut the reward value of the trigger.

I imagine myself in the familiar scenario of purchasing trigger foods. Then I imagine the aftermath: what does it feel like to have eaten a whole bag of goldfish crackers? What affect will it have on the scale? What affect will it have on my body? How will I feel emotionally?

I talk down the urge.
“Eating that will satisfy me only temporarily.”
“Eating that will keep me trapped in a vicious sugar cycle.”
“Eating that will make me feel bad, both emotionally and physically.”
“I’ll be happier in the long run if I don’t eat that.”
“I’ll weigh less if I don’t eat that.”

____________________
I am on day two of step one of the Potatoes Not Prozac plan, which is basically making sure I eat breakfast within one hour of waking and that I eat ~30+ grams of protein and a complex carb. Yesterday I had oatmeal with Muscle Provider (whey protein) and one scrambled egg mixed in. Today I had two scrambled eggs, a serving of turkey breakfast sausage, and spinach on a whole-grain, low-carb pita. The only real change this represents is an increase in the amount of protein I eat at breakfast.

I am aiming for high protein at lunch, as well, but not obsessing over it, as the plan stresses just following one step at a time. I have noticed a huge difference, both yesterday and today, in how I feel in the afternoon/evening: no hunger, no cravings, no noodling around the kitchen wondering what I might snack on, no obsessive thoughts about food at all. And dinner is more peaceful, not a rush to “quench” my hunger. I am rather amazed.

I know there are those who recommend six smaller meals per day, and I have tried that. With this plan, however, three “regular” meals seem to be fine, so far. I know it’s only been two days, but the difference in how I feel has been rather dramatic – and immediate.