you might forget this when setting boundaries with your mother
One thing you might forget...
...when setting (and maintaining) boundaries with your mother (or with anyone)...
...is that you are allowed to be clear and direct and in charge of what happens to – and around – you.
If this feels uncomfortable, rude, unsafe, or unsettling, it's not because there's something wrong with you, it's because you were conditioned and socialized to NOT be clear and direct and in charge of what happens to – and around – you.
It might also be the result of growing up in an abusive environment. So let's talk about abuse for a moment. Abuse is comprised of four things:
#1 A hurt, assault, or neglect, be it physical, emotional, or mental
#2 A social, personal, or physical power differential (parent/child, teacher/student, priest/altar boy, older sibling/younger sibling, etc.), which leads to...
#3 A lack of consent, because the person being abused doesn’t feel free not to consent
#4 The inability of the abused person to adequately defend themselves, to say, "NO! Stop it!" or to leave, or to physically fight back
Shame enters the equation with a "shaming" witness: the person who saw, or didn’t see, or heard the story later, or received a report of it, or should have known, and doesn't acknowledge the abuse or in some way denies, dismisses, or minimizes it. We then internalize the shaming witness and become our own shamers.
[credit to David Bedrick for this framework]
We have, for a very long time, been conditioned to accept abusive behavior...or to not even see it as abuse.
Setting boundaries is, in part, choosing to say "no" to behavior you don't want to be around, whether it's abusive or not. It's owning personal power, it's feeling free to not consent, and it's standing up for yourself.
Setting boundaries unshames you.
Because who you really are is an autonomous, sovereign, grownass woman.
It is now safe (even if it doesn't always feel that way), to step out the abuse paradigm and to allow yourself to be clear and direct and in charge of what happens to – and around – you.
Much, much love,
Karen
One of the best ways I know to create safety in your body is to stop being mean to yourself. My newest book, You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame, is full of practices and examples of what this looks like. Order here!
