Grab Your Machete

I used to think that changing my relationship to shame would make my life...

:::whispers:::

"perfect"

Being on the other side of having changed my relationship to shame, my life is the same.

And to be honest, I am relieved.

Yes, I still experience the physical sensations/physicality that I know to be shame.

I still experience failure, disappointment, regret, fear, anxiety, overwhelm, bitterness...you name it. If it's a human emotion I experience it.

And I don't enjoy it.

I DO enjoy feeling giddy, content, peaceful, love, tenderness, and anger (yes, really). And I experience those emotions regularly.

The main difference is that I no longer speak harshly to myself (or, if I do, I catch myself right away...and if I don't catch myself right away, I catch myself sooner than I used to). Because I am SO damn aware! I have tools! I have practices!

Rather than saying, "What TF is wrong with you? How pathetic are you?" I say, "Of course you feel that way, my friend."

I talk to myself like I'd talk to five-year-old me (see photo below) who:

...is upset about the haircut they just got

...is scared and nervous about school

...just had a scary dream.

...is sad because someone said something mean to them

It has taken me years of practice to get to this point.

It took me decades before that to simply be aware that this devastating, soul-sucking feeling I seemed to have regularly, and which would have me literally cowering in bed sobbing, was something I wasn't doomed to feel for the rest of my life.

I have taken what I've learned, and what I believe really helps, and put it all into my next book, You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame (pre-order date TBA).​
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Here's an excerpt:

It’s easy for your brain to offer you shame and for your body to experience it, especially when it was your mother who, unwittingly, handed you generations worth of shame.
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It’s a like a well-lit, smooth and wide superhighway. It’s easy to drive fast on it and there are no speed traps or tolls to slow you down (your brain’s superhighways are called neural pathways –they allow signals to travel from one part of the brain to another). Because brains like to be efficient, the more you use a particular superhighway, the smoother and faster it becomes, even if you’re using it for something like shame.

What you’re about to do is take an exit off that superhighway and go to a deep, dark, tangled jungle with a machete and start hacking a brand new path. It’s going to be sweaty, hard work and you may not have faith that anything could ever take shame’s place in your brain (and body).
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It will be both frustrating and exhilarating.
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Because your brain has neural plasticity, you can build "unshamed" neural pathways. The adage that “old dogs can’t learn new tricks” is false.
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I’ve done this. And having come out on the other side into the sunlight I can fully and honestly say it’s worth it. You can’t walk my path, but you can learn from observing how I did it, and use the tools and practices I share. I will be cheering you on as you hack your own path.

I can't wait for you to read it.

Much, much love,

Karen
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​P.S. The unofficial title is This Book About Shame Is Full Of Love because I truly poured my love into it.

This is five-year-old me, dancing at the reception after my mother and stepfather got married.
There's a story about that in the book.