setting boundaries with your mother isn't a crime...so...
...why does guilt seem to show up every time you set one?
[reading time: about four minutes]
If you've got FODO (Fear Of Disappointing [m]Other) it’s probably because it seems to come with an automatic serving of guilt.
This makes sense for two reasons:
#1 At one time our very lives depended on our mothers liking and approving of us...on their not being disappointed in us. That lives within us to this day on a nervous system level.
#2 Most of us have been socialized to believe that there's something wrong with us and that we must prove that there isn't...so we strive to be "good." If we experience the sensations in our bodies that we call guilt, then we must not be "good."
This doesn't mean you can't have healthy boundaries with your mother. It means that in the process of setting boundaries you will most likely experience guilt.
Think of it this way: guilt is a sensation in your body you don't like feeling...
...because you think it means you did something wrong...
...and the reason you think you did something wrong is because your mother is experiencing a sensation in HER body, that she doesn't like feeling (disappointment, anger, hurt).
And you think you caused that sensation in her body.
Because she says something like, "I'm disappointed in you" or she looks at you a certain way.
You didn't cause that sensation in her body...she did.
And your mother doesn't cause the sensations of guilt in your body...you do.
And that's really good news! Because if your mother was the cause of your feelings, you'd have no power.
~~~
Let's look at what guilt actually is.
Guilt (noun): the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.
Guilt (verb): make (someone) feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something.
Guilty (adjective): (1) culpable of or responsible for a specified crime or wrongdoing; (2) conscious of or affected by a feeling* of guilt (*sensation in your body created by your thoughts)
The problem is that you tend to feel guilt for doing things that aren't crimes.
Like setting boundaries.
Setting boundaries = taking care of yourself.
Taking care of yourself does not = a crime.
Setting. Boundaries. Is. Not. A. Crime.
~~~
Now, let's look at what you might feel when you DON'T have healthy boundaries with your mother.
Frustration. Anger. Resentment. Something else?
I'm guessing you don't enjoy those emotions, either.
So I'd like to make a radical suggestion:
If your choice is between guilt and frustration, anger, and resentment, choose guilt (thank you Dr. Gabor Maté).
Stay with me.
Even though we've established that setting boundaries isn't a crime, your body is still going to feel guilt.
And if you have a difficult relationship with your mother you probably tend to make feeling guilt mean that you deserve to feel guilt...that something you have done (usually to take care of yourself) is bad/wrong. A crime.
It's based on what you think other people (especially your mother) think. It can also be based on a value system you no longer buy into.
What happens is that your mother doesn't like the changes she sees in you. She doesn't like the boundaries you are setting.
In her story about you there's no room for that...no room for you to grow or be different.
You challenge her world view. And she wishes you would stay the way you were.
A part of you might feel that she's right...and so you give in so as not to rock the boat (and so as not to feel a sensation in your body you don't like).
Resentment (which comes from abandoning yourself and doing for others at the expense of yourself) grows because you tend to think it's justified.
Resentment, however, is way more corrosive than guilt when it comes to your physical, mental, and emotional health.
Guilt fades. Resentment eats away at your soul.
So pay attention to the difference between:
#1 the guilt you learned to feel in order to stay attached to your mother, which is no longer necessary
and
#2 the corrosive resentment you have to keep justifying when you do things you don't want to do.
And choose guilt every time. It gets easier. Really and truly.
Much, much love,
Karen
P.S. Boundaries can include choosing to go no contact. They can also include choosing not to see or speak to a parent before they die.
Making these choices doesn't have to come with automatic lifetime sentence of shame, guilt, and regret.
Nor does it require anger and resentment.
And it for sure doesn't require explanations.
Will other people be uncomfortable with your choice? Disappointed in your choice?
Uh-huh. And that's not your responsibility.
I excel at helping people with these kinds of decisions in a healthy way.
I also excel at helping people who want to...
re-establish contact with their mothers
improve the relationship they have with their mothers
have healthy boundaries with their mothers in an effort to avoid estrangement
do certain things in their lives that they’re worried their mothers will disapprove of
do certain things in their lives but are terrified of “out shining” their mothers, while at the same time telling themselves their being ridiculous, but still not doing the thing
repair ruptures with their own children
navigate their role in their aging mothers’ lives but not at their own expense
reduce the amount of guilt, shame, resentment, and anxiety they feel
Work with me
Listen to the Dear Adult Daughter Podcast
If you've received and read You Are Not Your Mother, and loved it, I'd be sincerely grateful if you'd leave a review on Amazon (or whatever retailer you purchased it from). Good reviews are what help other people, who need the book, find it.
