one way to handle non-apology apologies
You know the one I am talking about:
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Here's an empowered way to respond (with thanks to personal attorney lawyer Jefferson Fisher for the inspiration):
"No need to apologize for my feelings, but you could apologize for what you did or said. The way I feel is my responsibility...what you say or do is yours."
Now, people who have narcissism tend to have little capacity for empathy and this extends to their ability to apologize sincerely.
If that's your mother, and she offers non-apology apologies, take this in and let it settle inside you:
Her narcissism is not your fault or responsibility.
And then remember...
...telling her that it hurts your feelings when treats you that way, won't make her stop treating you that way.
...telling her you'll no longer tolerate it when she crosses your boundaries, won't make her respect your boundaries.
...telling her you'll no longer engage when she brings up the subject you told her you don't want to talk about, won't make her stop bringing it up.
As hurtful and/or frustrating as it is when she behaves this way, she is not doing this because of you (despite what she might say and despite how it feels to you).
This can a difficult thing to get on a bodily level. Your brain grasps the concept of "not taking it personally," but what happens in your body is a different story.
One way to help your body feel safer is to remind yourself that of course you're taking it personally rather than telling yourself you should be over it by now. The subtle micro-shaming we sometimes subject ourselves to feels unsafe in the body (for more on this, check out You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame).
Repeat after me:
"This is the part where her lack of empathy will get in the way. Of course she's going to behave like this because she always does. It's not personal. And this is the part where I show up and respond to it differently, in a way that I've decided ahead of time, so that I can feel safe, and so I can like and respect myself in this situation."
#noshame
Much, much love,
Karen
P.S. In the Mother Load we work together creating three things: #1 on-demand safety, #2 an intentional identity, and #3 healthy boundaries.
Listen to the Dear Adult Daughter Podcast
P.S.S. If you've received and read You Are Not Your Mother, and loved it, I'd be sincerely grateful if you'd leave a review on Amazon (or whatever retailer you purchased it from). Good reviews are what help other people, who need the book, find it.
