simultaneously furious and full of dread
I will never forget the first time someone suggested that I "take responsibility" for the emotional pain I was experiencing in regards to my mother.
I was simultaneously furious and full of dread.
Furious because I thought taking responsibility meant it was my fault. Underneath that (unbeknownst to me) was shame.
Full of dread because I suspected it would require some sort of massive change on my part, that I didn't know how to change, that ultimately I wouldn't be able to, and I would continue to feel helpless, hopeless, and pathetic (more shame).
I needed my misery to be her fault.
I didn't know that handing responsibility to her for "fixing it" would just perpetuate my misery (because she was swimming in the same shame pool of misery I was, and when I tried to climb out, she pulled me back in and I didn't resist because I wanted to stay attached to her, even if it was an unhealthy attachment).
I needed her to see me differently so I could feel differently (I didn't know about subject/object).
I just thought that there was something wrong with me (thus requiring that massive change).
I didn't know that underlying all of this was shame that wasn't mine, but which I had taken on and internalized.
Shame kept me from being able to see myself clearly.
Shame kept me cycling between feeling victimized, lashing out at others, and people pleasing.
If you've had the same experience and relate to this, know this:
Taking responsibility is not about fault or blaming yourself, it's about reclaiming power.
Taking responsibility is not about waiting for her to see you, it's about seeing yourself.
Taking responsibility is not about changing yourself, it's about releasing the shame and being MORE of who you are.
Taking responsibility means choosing to see and own and experience your aliveness, your brilliance, your authenticity, your intuition, and your gifts (all of which are already there...no change required to have access to them).
I work with women who have shame-based relationships with their mothers. Women who have internalized their mothers' stories about them, like, how bad they are, how spoiled they are, how pathetic they are, how annoying they are, how hopeless they are, how selfish they are, how "too much" they are, how "not enough" they are.
Together we break that pattern.
If you are confused about what it means to "break a pattern"...if it seems like this vague concept with no real "instruction" other than "do it the opposite way she did it," I have some good news.
You break the pattern by valuing the thing(s) in you that others have put you down for and which you now put yourself down for.
Whatever those things are, they are the medicine, not the disease, not the poison.
Much, much love,
Karen
Advance praise for You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame:
"Karen C.L. Anderson begins her compassionate book so that we can safely recognize shaming through her—in a timeline of her life experiences in prose poetry, rhythmically punctuating the emotional beats of shock, hurt, freeze, erasure, and breakdown.
As we further read, think, absorb, and realize the shame within us in stages of understanding, bringing us home to Self, Karen follows our thought processes and centers us in a conceptual framework with the tenderness of an embrace. It is in the practices that the brave-hearted work begins, as Karen guides us in many ways to express and objectify our shame through creative, interactive, multisensory activities that move our experiences outward. These lively, improvisational practices delight and challenge since we are free to select, develop, and share their transformative power.
When we emerge from this deep journey of self-knowing in a reverse timeline with positive, life-affirming reflections of Karen’s experiences, we will have made the choice of worthiness, self-acceptance, and self-love, realizing that we are not perfect, but simply human.” ~ Kate Farrell, author of Story Power: Secrets to Creating, Crafting, and Telling Memorable Stories
