when she zings you with snide comments
[~ four and a half minutes reading time]
Question from a reader:
How you would recommend responding – or not responding – to the following comments from my mother:
"You got a new deck?? Your old one couldn’t have been in as bad of shape as ours."
"You replaced your carpet?? Your old carpet was in better shape than ours is."
"I was just telling Dad that your legs look better in that skirt than mine would."
Obviously, my mother has insecurity and jealousy issues that have only become more obvious as she ages (in her 80’s). Because of this, I am very careful to not share much with her about new items we purchase or trips we take. But when she has these zingers, I never feel prepared with any kind of response, if one is even necessary.
Dear Adult Daughter:
This is such a great question!
In these types of scenarios, there tends to be a lot of interpretation, assumption, and meaning-making, because hello human brain.
Your mother may be making your new deck, your new carpet, and your legs in that skirt mean that her old deck, her old carpet, and her old legs are "less than" yours.
She may think that YOU think you are better than she is, and deep down inside she may fear that this is true...that there's something wrong with her.
Hello shame.
The shame-based beliefs she has about herself (but is probably not aware of) are being triggered by your new purchases or trips. And because shame is such a painful experience it can feel like a threat in her nervous system (where there's no logic, curiosity, discernment, or nuance).
Once her threat response is activated, her body determines the best way to get rid of the threat so it can feel safe. She has learned that "zinging" you does the job.
This is her pattern.
Now your turn :-)
When she makes those comments, you are, perhaps, making it mean that she's criticizing you.
You may think that SHE thinks you are irresponsible with money, selfish, and/or a show-off (and deep down inside you may fear that this is not only true, but that it means you're bad...that there's something wrong with you).
Hello shame.
The shame-based beliefs you have about yourself are triggered by her comments. And because shame is such a painful experience it can feel like a threat in your nervous system (where there's no logic, curiosity, discernment, or nuance).
Once your threat response is activated, your body determines the best way to get rid of the threat so it can feel safe.
Because you didn't share what you normally do when you and your mother have these types of conversations, I can't tell you what that is. But if I had to guess (based on my own experiences and what I hear from others), you probably get angry, but because she's your mother you probably also learned a long time ago that anger not only wouldn't work, it wasn't safe. So you most likely shut down or try to appease her.
And then you beat yourself up for not knowing how to handle yourself in these kinds of conversations.
This is your pattern.
None of this means there's something wrong with you or that your nervous system needs "fixing."
So first, we unshame the pattern. We see it for what it is: your body's intelligence...it's brilliant way of keeping you safe. We see how your mother handed shame to you that had been handed to her.
Then we recognize that one of the things that happens when we’ve got shame on board is an inability to see and define ourselves clearly.
This can make us concerned or worried or fearful about what other people think about us, which leads to needing a lot of reassurance and/or performative pleasing. In so doing we abandon ourselves.
Here’s a series of questions to help you spark logic, curiosity, discernment, and nuance, to see yourself more clearly, and to get back in touch with what is true and real for you:
I think my mother thinks that I am irresponsible with money, selfish, a show-off [or something else?] and that she may be right AND these are bad things to be...maybe this means my deepest, shame-filled fears are true.
Do I agree that I am those things?
Do I think being those things is good or bad? Why?
How can I unshame these traits or qualities?
What do I want to think about myself? My carpet? My deck? My legs? How I spend my money?
Now that you've gotten that clarity and you've identified your shame-based beliefs (which aren't yours and were never yours), let's revisit your original question: how to respond, or to not respond at all?
The answer depends on who you want to be when you respond, or choose not to respond.
What do you want the outcome to be (with the understanding that the outcome is yours, not your mother's, and she's still got her shame hanging around?).
What is the result you want? What do you need to do in order to get that result? How do you need to feel in order to do that? What do you need to believe about yourself in order to feel that way?
I can't wait to hear what you choose to do.
Much, much love,
Karen
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