Let your energy speak for you

People on the narcissism spectrum tend to have little capacity for (real) empathy.

If that's your mother...

...telling her that it hurts your feelings when she treats you a certain way won't make her stop treating you that way.

...telling her you'll no longer tolerate it when she crosses your boundaries won't make her respect your boundaries.

...telling her you'll no longer engage when she brings up the subject you told her you don't want to talk about won't make her stop bringing it up.

And as hurtful as it is when she behaves this way, the very best news is that it's not because of you. You are not responsible for her behaving this way, despite what she might say.

This can a difficult thing to both wrap your mind around and really GET on a bodily level.

So many people would tell me not to take it personally when my mother acted the way she did, and while my brain grasped the concept of not taking personally, what happened in my body was a different story.

Sometimes the best way to communicate with her in these scenarios is to subtly use your posture, your actions, and your energy in place of (or along with) your words.

Turn away subtly.

Puff yourself subtly up instead of slumping or shrinking.

Lift your head subtly.

Clench your jaw subtly.

This counteracts the physicality of fear and/or shame that you may be used to.

The key with these actions is subtlety. Don't make them obvious.

You can practice these (and others) in more obvious ways (I am a huge fan of growling and slow-punching and slow-squeezing) when you're alone. I know it sounds weird, but it's so very helpful in supporting your body and feeling safe.

Remind yourself:

"This is the part where her lack of empathy will get in the way. Of course she's going to behave like this because she always does. It's not personal. And this is the part where I show up and respond to it differently, in a way that I've decided ahead of time, so that I can feel safe, and so I can like and respect myself in this situation."

Much, much love,

Karen

In the Mother Load you learn how to create three things: #1 on-demand safety, #2 an intentional identity, and #3 healthy boundaries.

We work together for four months (16 sessions) and I am now offering tiered pay-what-supports-you pricing because I believe that pricing shouldn’t keep anyone who wants to do this work from doing it (if you're interested in learning more about this click here to schedule a consult.)