Unburden. Unshame.
The Mother Lode
(1:1 coaching)for adult daughters
with internalized shame
Dear adult daughter…
You are a sensitive, expressive, creative force of nature.
You are a determined cycle-breaker … a pattern disrupter.
And … your mother is cruel.
It takes your breath away and you find yourself caught in a cycle of feeling devastated, enraged, and ashamed. Hopeless. Anxious. Resigned. Sad.
Deep down inside you know
you were made for something more than this.
But instead your biggest fears take up way too much space in your brain:
Will I ALWAYS react this way?
Will I always feel like a petulant teenager? A scared child?
Will I ever feel comfortable and confident in following MY dreams?
What if I am just like her?
What if this is all my fault?
IN THE MEANTIME…
If you haven’t gone no-contact, you’re still dealing with her.
And even if you HAVE gone no-contact, you’re still dealing with her.
On any given day you’re wondering what it would have been like to have a different mother, one who was supportive and loving. You’re fantasizing about what it would even be like to feel free, open, authentic, grounded, and proud of yourself.
Joyful even.
Abundant.
HUMAN.
With healthy boundaries.
You wish you were less affected by her so you could be this version of yourself
no matter what she said and did (or is saying and doing).
Here’s what I want you to know …
You don’t have to spend the rest of your life being held hostage by your mother
It’s possible to be the confident, joyful person YOU want to be
It’s possible to stop letting your mother get in the way of what you want for your life.
It’s possible to know yourself SO WELL that you no longer get eaten up by the deepest fears of all..
…the fears that say “you’re JUST like her and this is ALL your fault, it is just a fact of life and there’s no changing it.”
It doesn’t take a different life or a different mother to have the confidence and joy that’s always felt out of reach
Instead, it takes the tools and skills to re-mother yourself.
And that’s what working with me is all about.
Introducing
THE MOTHER LODE
A spacious, private 1:1 coaching container that equips you with the practical, actionable tools and strategies to reclaim your life from your mother and return to yourself…perhaps for the first time.
The Mother Lode is NOT a coaching program centered on improving yourself.
Or changing who you are.
Because there’s nothing wrong about you to fix.
You’ve done enough of that already.
The Mother Lode is about returning to yourself.
With private, 1:1 support from me, you’ll build and equip yourself with the
practical, actionable tools and strategies to finally:
Strip away the programming and conditioning she handed to you and unshame all that you’ve been taught to be ashamed of
Establish (and even more importantly, maintain) the healthy boundaries you know you need
Become MORE of who you are, not less, so you can like and respect yourself in her presence AND when you’re not. Whether you’re in contact with her or not.
Recognize the truth about yourself and your humanity (who you really are underneath all the conditioning she heaped on you) so you can create YOUR favorite vision for your life (not hers), from a well-resourced state
The Mother Lode is the program where you become the loving, clear-eyed, courageous woman who says YES! to herself and to her future
This is a skillset you can cultivate and make your own.
Here are the three core skills you will develop:
Creating on-demand safety…
This skill is the difference between reacting in a way you’ll regret later (all the while spinning in toothless anger) and being able to respond firmly – fiercely even – while liking your reasons for the way you choose to respond.
This doesn’t mean you’re being all nicey-nice and it doesn’t mean being a ruthless, cruel bitch.
Through our coaching together, you’ll understand your nervous system and its unique responses so you can work WITH it and not against it.
Most of us were shamed for the way our bodies responded/reacted under stress (or as a result of trauma) and we quickly learned to do the same.
With this one skill alone, you will unshame these responses and come see just how wise and intelligent they (and you) are.
You will go from blindly reacting, to being able to catch yourself sooner, to being able choose your response. This doesn’t always mean “calming down.” It can also mean wielding anger precisely and intentionally.
I will show – and do – with you several body-based practices that won’t take up a lot of your time and will eventually become part of your everyday life.
These practices will help you feel safer, no matter what your mother is doing or saying.
Creating an intentional identity…
…with care and respect for yourself.
This skillset is NOT about changing who you are, it’s about peeling away that which isn’t true about you.
This piece alone is worth the price of admission. It’s a mind-body practice that goes way beyond positive affirmations and mindset work. Because whether you know it or not, you have beliefs about yourself that are there because of how your mother thinks about you and relates to you.
You’ve likely created an identity that is partly based on her opinion of you (and just so you know, all humans do this). It might be that you believe you are: selfish, bad, pathetic, mommy’s good girl, irresponsible with money, responsible for how she feels, an overachiever, an underachiever, weak, not worthy of a healthy relationship…those things you think are just the truth about you — that they’re fixed.
The self-concept work we do shows you that it’s not fixed. That it’s not the truth.
Instead of just understanding this on an intellectual level, it will become something you feel…that you embody.
Once you peel away that which isn’t true about you, you start to experience the confidence, self-trust, and joyful authenticity you desire.
That’s when setting boundaries will finally feel natural.
Creating healthy boundaries…
…and communicating them with the least amount of anxiety and guilt.
You will also learn how to set energetic boundaries, no communication necessary.
It’s who you become as a result of setting boundaries with your mother: a grownass woman who doesn’t spend her precious time and energy explaining, defending, proving, and hiding.
You will no longer feel the need to come up with elaborate excuses for why you’re not going to her house for the holidays; why you’re not going to talk to her every day; why you don’t want her to smoke in your car; or why you’ve chosen to respect your own children’s desire to not have their photos plastered all over social media (and you’d like her to stop. as well).
Boundaries are not just about keeping out the “bad” and they certainly aren’t about punishing your mother.
Healthy boundaries are also about what you want to grow and cultivate in the relationship. They are based on what you value.
It’s okay for you to say “no” to any behavior for any reason.
You will learn how to use my flexible Healthy Boundary Equation: Value + Request + Action + Benefit = Healthy Boundary.
These three skills lay the foundation for all the coaching you receive throughout our time together. So, whether you’re in contact with your mother or not, you’re finally able to experience the joy and confidence you’ve always wanted.
“After our self-concept work, I was empowered to develop a coherent, empowering narrative related to my family of origin”
"The experience of speaking out loud, freely and without judgment, my thoughts and feelings was liberating beyond belief. Before our work together, there was an enormous amount of shame related to my relationship with my mother, which caused me to literally and figuratively hide.
However, after our self-concept work, I was empowered to develop a coherent, empowering narrative related to my family of origin and, most importantly, my relationship with my mother.
It is and will continue to be my intentional effort to ensure shame is not driving the way I show up in relationships.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! WHEREVER I AM. I BELONG! PERIOD! FULL STOP!"
~ Beloved client Chrys D.
Free yourself from letting shame drive your relationships.
The clients who vibe best with me do NOT need or want to be more disciplined or to have better time-management skills. They are NOT results-driven and do not have an attitude of growth at all costs.
They want to flow more with life and their creativity.
They have a rebellious streak that they think is a problem but are secretly in love with it.
They want to be better at embracing uncertainty, sharing their voice when it matters, and sustainable growth that isn’t at the expense of BEING.
They’re done with fixing, self-correction, criticism, minimizing, and trying to be everything for everyone (ahem, their mothers).
And most of all they love a good, deep, conversation that makes them gasp with recognition at their own humanity and inherent power.
My Story
I’m Karen C.L. Anderson, life coach and mentor for adult daughters, storyteller, author, and host of the Dear Adult Daughter podcast.
At the end of 2010 I reached a breaking point in the relationship I had with my mother. I cut off all contact, thinking it would be forever, and that my life would forever be peaceful.
Instead, my mother rented a bigass apartment in my head and became a subject that sucked all the air out of the room. I couldn’t seem to stop telling anyone and everyone all the ways she done me wrong. My husband and my close friends bore the brunt of this. Instead of feeling free and confident, I continued to feel hurt, angry, and deep down inside, pathetic…ashamed.
Here’s the thing: difficult mother-daughter relationships don’t happen in a vacuum. They happen in the context of thousands of years of oppression and conditioning that tells women that we’re not okay.
And it is now safe to question and challenge and break out of that conditioning, even if your mother hasn’t.
So. Getting back to me and my mother:
I re-established contact with her in 2014.
We do not have a Hallmark relationship. Far from it.
But I like and respect myself IN the relationship and that’s priceless.
Not to mention how and who I am in the rest of my life, the work I get to do, and what I have created.
The Mother Lode is a distillation of all the work I did to get myself to that place.
Why do I call it
The Mother Lode?
Because one day many years ago, a friend and I were talking about … drumroll … our mothers! And she said, Yeah, it's like we're Superwoman and our mothers are Kryptonite (the poisonous mineral that took away all of Superman's powers).
➡ The Mother Lode is a mining term that describes the origin or principal vein of precious, valuable minerals. It's the antidote to Kryptonite.
YOU are a source of something precious and valuable. You have ALWAYS been a source of something precious and valuable. The Mother Lode is about remembering this. About shedding your mother's stories about you – the stories that you have internalized – the ones about how there is something fundamentally wrong with you.
It’s not about saving or rescuing you from problems, but about recognizing the truth about your humanity and meeting you in your highest vision for your life, well-resourced and creative. The way it was always meant to be.
A natural by-product of the work you do in the Mother Lode is that you become the Alpha Mare in the relationship.
When you pair your commitment to yourself with the processes, concepts, and tools I will teach, you become the Alpha Mare:
“The Alpha Mare is calm, because her boundaries are impeccable.
She knows who she is, and the other horses do not mess with her.
They do not approach her without her invitation.
The Alpha Mare does not let herself be influenced by another horse's fears or anxieties or aggression.
She knows the right thing to do, and she does it.
The other horses follow her lead.
She doesn’t need approval or permission.
She lives and breathes from a place of integrity and certainty, because of her strong and appropriate boundaries.
As a result, she is relaxed and at peace. She has an undefended heart.”
(with thanks to Martha Beck and Elizabeth Gilbert)
You might be wondering …
Should I do this with her?
You can, but I suggest you do the work on your own, at least at first. The premise of the Mother Lode is that she doesn’t have to change or do anything differently in order for you to thrive.
Does she have to be alive?
No. This isn’t so much about the two of you as it is about you making some choices about how you want to show up in the world. This is about your future, and not just in relation to her (whether she’s alive or not).
I am currently no-contact and I have no desire to talk to/see/interact with her. Are you going to suggest that I should?
Absolutely not. For some adult daughters, choosing to not have their mothers in their lives is the very best choice. You can, however, make these kinds of choices from a loving, proactive, powerful place for your own sake. You do not have to remain angry, bitter, or resentful in order to remain no-contact. There is always the option to reinitiate contact if that is what makes sense for you.
She is/was abusive and violent. Am I supposed to forgive and forget?
No. This work isn’t about putting up with or approving of any type of abuse, whether it happened long ago or is happening now. It’s about learning how to tell the story about what happened in such a way that it no longer hurts or minimizes you, but rather empowers and liberates you. It’s about learning how to establish healthy limits and boundaries (up to and including no longer seeing or speaking to her).
Forgiveness is a concept that is misunderstood and too often applied in situations where one or both parties aren’t ready. Don’t force or shame yourself into forgiving. In the Mother Lode you get to develop your own standards of what is okay or not okay, based on your values.
She is/has [insert addiction, mental illness, or personality disorder]. This won’t work because of that. She doesn’t or seemingly can’t respect my boundaries.
It may not work for her. She doesn’t have to do it, she doesn’t have to know that you are doing it. Her disrespect doesn't mean that boundaries don't work...or that you'll be a failure at setting them. It simply means that you are being invited to respect yourself.
This sounds amazing and I have some questions. Can I set up a quick consult with you?
The Mother Lode is designed to help you create a reference for yourself, based on your needs, values, wants, and preferences, not your mother’s.
The Mother Lode is a high-touch personalized coaching container created and curated for your specific needs. It is designed to be safe and spacious.
As one client put it, "I feel like I have Karen in my back pocket."
What you get:
- Access to my calendar to schedule 1:1 Zoom sessions
- Asynchronous coaching (a fancy name for coaching that takes place over email or an app like Voxer)
- Access to my vast library of worksheets and explainers with tips from me on how to use them
- Energy and nervous system management practices including EFT "tapping"
- A copy of my newest book (paperback or Kindle)
- Optional walk-and-talk check-ins
- Optional monthly group calls with other private clients
I felt loads lifting that I didn't realize I had been carrying for decades.
Before I engaged with Karen, I was in a difficult situation.I had been restructured out of a 20 year career due to the pandemic. I decided to sell my city condo and move hours away to consolidate households with my mum and stepdad. It made sense. I was starting a business; mum has long covid; stepdad had been her sole caregiver for 2+ years while still working. It uncovered some tricky things: I hadn't lived with my mum since I was 20; she and I both manage significant mood disorders; I would be away from my home city and my social and medical network for the first time ever; and most challenging was the codependent trauma bond between mum and I. I found myself reacting in awful ways, regressing to a teenage rage and pout, shutting down, or lashing out.
I didn't like myself when I acted this way. I felt powerless and stuck. I felt hopeless. I was afraid of being swallowed by my mother's needs, of being dominated by her to the point that I would lose myself. After a particularly volatile period of fighting between me and mum I hired Karen. My initial goals were to reclaim myself, to put boundaries in place that were loving and real, and to disentangle myself from enmeshment with my mum that started before I can remember. I wanted to stop acting like a pouty raging teenager and embrace my hard-won adult self, the self who is kind and smart and empathetic, the self who is resilient and determined, the self that is inviolate. I did that...and more. Although this work is significant, big, life-changing...it isn't heavy. Rather the reverse – I felt loads lifting that I didn't realize I had been carrying for decades. Close friends notice a shift in me. Even my mum has noticed. She doesn't always like it (boundaries, anyone?) but she respects it and feels the goodness of how I engage now. I think this is the healthiest we've ever been together. It's not perfect and that's okay – it's the practice that is making the big changes happen, kind of like water carving through bedrock.
~ beloved Mother Lode client Mel C.