Naming abuse is how we begin to change what's actually wrong
The most insidious aspect of having an abusive mother is that you Internalize shame ("something is wrong with me") because it happened, rather than seeing the abuse as wrong.
Our culture not only supports the idea that something is wrong with you – that you are the problem – it is BUILT upon it. It’s right there in front of our faces, but it's so ubiquitous we can’t “see” it for what it actually is. That’s how insidious it is.
You are not the one who needs fixing because you are not the problem.
So if the solution isn't to fix yourself (and it's not like we're going to single-handedly fix the world tomorrow), what are we to do about it?
Name it and unshame it...again and again...forever and ever...and ever.
There are many practices and tools available to do this. I write about some of them in You Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame.
But I want to talk more specifically about what might be getting in the way of you naming and unshaming. Aside from maybe not being clear about what abuse actually is (see below) and/or confusion about what you experienced, what usually gets in the way is fear. Fear that:
you won't be believed (“it’s all in your head”)
others will "feel sorry for you" ... pity is so isolating!
you're weak or pathetic
you're an ungrateful brat
you're a liar
what you experienced wasn't "that bad"
people will think you're irrevocably damaged
[fill in the blank with your worst fear]
if you name it you will be punished and shunned (which, hello, you have a REALLY good reason for this fear...it's baked into the whole insidious nature of it)
One of my favorite writing prompts is simply to write, "I have fear that..." and then write down everything. Start each sentence with "I have fear that..." and keep going until you start to feel better. I can usually fill up two sides of a standard piece of notebook paper (yeah, don't use your fancy journal for this one).
Then tear the paper up into as many pieces as you can (this is an important part...kinesthetics!) and throw it away. No need to analyze or ponder or dig deep. Just write your fears down and throw them away. It's a great way to re-regulate.
*A reminder about what abuse is (with thanks to David Bedrick for this paradigm):
A hurt, assault, or neglect, be it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual (including not being allowed to have boundaries, which often starts as "grooming")
A social, personal, or physical power differential, which leads to…
A lack of consent, because the person being abused doesn’t feel free not to consent, which leads to…
The inability of the abused person to adequately defend themselves, to say, “NO! Stop it!” or to leave, or to physically fight back
When you’re clear about this definition, saying your mother is or was abusive…
…isn’t “playing the victim”
…isn’t blaming
…isn’t even an accusation
...doesn't mean you want to punish her
…doesn’t mean you’re stuck in the past
...doesn't mean you're weak or pathetic
...doesn't mean you have hate in your heart
…doesn’t mean you wish harm on her
…doesn’t mean you haven’t grown or evolved
…isn’t a “negative” story that you have to “reframe"
The compulsion to doubt, minimize, question, downplay, sugarcoat, or silverline, comes from shame, and the reason we experience shame around abuse is because we are made to believe it happened because of us, or because there’s something wrong with us, rather than seeing it for what it actually is: something wrong with our culture/society that our mothers bought into.
And THIS (along with that internalized shame) is why, if your mother is hurtful to you now, even though it may no longer fit the above definition of abuse, you "consent" by not having healthy boundaries, and you don't stand up for yourself and say, "NO, stop it!
Instead, you seethe with toothless anger and then crumple with hurt and upset, and/or engage in self-destructive behaviors. I call it the fury-devastation-shame cycle and it is painful AF.
And it is Not. Your. Fault.
You can move away from the fury-devastation-shame cycle without gaslighting yourself about what you experience(d). It's why creating an Intentional Identity is one of the three core skills (along with creating safety and creating healthy boundaries) I teach in the Mother Lode.
What is working with me like? You have an ongoing, enthusiastically consensual conversation with a peer (me) in which you feel safe in naming what happened, how it affected you, and owning who you are and who want to be, so you can BE that out in the wide world, with your creativity, your business, your partner, your kids...yourself. And even your mother (or maybe not).
Sometimes it's practical. Sometimes it's philosophical. Sometimes it's about asking simple questions. Sometimes it's about asking hard questions. Sometimes there's teaching. Sometimes there's storytelling. Sometimes there are worksheets and journal prompts. There's always listening.
It's about moving away from the pain you experience in relation to your mother and towards an identity that you consciously choose, not an identity that shame chooses for you.
When you buy coaching with me, you're saying, "I trust you to hold the vision for what I tell you I want my life to be like, especially in moments when I can't see it clearly." You're saying "I want things to be different, I want a mentor, and I you you to be that mentor."
Interested in seeing what it's like? Schedule a 90-minute coaching call and consult ($250). This is a one-off session where we do some coaching and problem-solving, then, if desired, discuss working together longer-term. If that's not the right next thing, you'll walk away with clarity, next steps, and helpful resources/recommendations. If you do want to continue working together, the $250 will be applied to a coaching package. Click here to schedule that call. When you click, you’ll be directed to choose a date and time for our session, answer some questions, and pay. Give yourself 10 - 15 minutes to complete the questions…they are an important part of the process so we can use our time together effectively.
Much, much love,
Karen
P.S. Book recommendation: I just finished reading The Dark Room: A Memoir of Triumph, by Claudia Chotzen. From the description: "The Dark Room weaves a complex family tapestry, the author’s personal experience growing up in the 1950s, 60s, and 70s as one of eight children of parents who fled Nazi Germany separately, met and married quickly, then re-started their lives as Americans in Seattle. Her mother juggled raising her eight children with her career as a photographer and her passion as a civil rights activist. To the outside world she was an icon, a hero. Inside the family home, a different story unraveled. Claudia’s mother violated her trust and her body, a betrayal of the most profound maternal bond."
Her description of her mother's abusive behavior reminds me of my mother's behavior. And while I have explored much of it in my own writings and books, I've never named "out loud" that I experienced sexual abuse at the hands of my mother for two reasons: #1 shame and #2 no explicit memories/I didn't realize what she was doing was abusive.
