The difference between "calm" and "regulated"

"I want to be completely calm and in control in my mother's presence, every single time...unruffled," she said.

"Why do you want that?" I asked.

"Because I don't want to overreact."

"Why don't you want to overreact?"

"Because when I overreact my mother 'wins'. She likes it when she makes me react."

"If your mother wins or likes it when you react, what does that mean about you?"

"It means I am weak."

"Ahhhh...I can relate." I said. "And I'm pretty sure it's not possible to be completely calm and in control all the time. It's not even preferable. Because being 'ruffled' is a sign of your body's intelligence and not only can't you turn that off, you need it. So let's find a way to work with it, rather than against it."

~~~

If your mother is sometimes or oftentimes an unsafe* person, your body's intelligence is vitally important. Being "ruffled" is a signal to pay attention.

(*being an unsafe person doesn't mean she's a bad person)

I understand where the desire for "unruffled" comes from because I used to want the same thing for myself. I wanted to be an example of untriggered perfection.

Then I realized it was coming from a shame-based belief: "If I can't be calm and in control, that means there's something wrong with me. If I overreact I'm bad. If I want to leave, I'm weak. If I say 'no,' I'm selfish. If I freeze and can't find the right words, I'm pathetic."

But here's the thing: we are unsafe with ourselves when we bypass our emotions and what's true for us, in order to appear calm.

What most of us really want is nervous system regulation, which translates to being aware of, connected to, and grounded in, ourselves and our emotions. And from there we can make choices about what to do next (talk about breaking a cycle or pattern!).

You might choose to express anger in a way that doesn't harm you or her (or turn into resentment).

You might choose to end a phone call so you can gather your thoughts and get back to her later.

You might choose to take yourself out of a situation that doesn't feel good to you, or say, "I'm not having that discussion" in a firm voice.

It includes maintaining your boundaries without significant guilt or regret.

It includes tending to yourself when you feel hurt.

Because when it comes to taking care of yourself in the relationship you have with your mother, unshaming your body's intelligence is an important step.

What does unshaming your body's intelligence look like?

It's acknowledging, "Of COURSE I feel like a deer in the headlights when my mother criticizes my body."

Or, "How human of me to want to snap at her when she tells me I am being ridiculous for my preferences."

Or, "I've internalized shame-based thoughts about myself that feel shitty, because that's what human nervous systems do."

And then noticing how that feels...how that lands in your body.

And from there, you become more confident and respond to her from a more regulated, less "triggered" place because you are no longer making yourself wrong for being human (and I daresay that's something your mother hasn't been able to do).

It's not perfect. Sometimes it's uncomfortable. Sometimes it's awkward.

You are literally forging a new neural pathway. You might as well be taking a machete to a tangled, untouched jungle in order to move a foot forward (versus the like-new, smooth and well-lit super highway of "I'm a bad person").

But the pressure to be perfect is OFF.

You're no longer trying to tightly control your emotions, you're flowing with them.

And the more your practice, the more fluid, natural, and authentic it becomes.

Much, much love,

Karen

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​The Mother Lode is a safe, personalized, nurturing coaching container to get support in taking better care of yourself in the relationship you have with your mother.

To reconnect you to the parts of yourself that you may disconnected from. To love and trust yourself more.

Along the way you will cultivate an inner command over how you feel and react, no matter what she’s doing or saying.

You will maintain the boundaries you set, and not override them.

You will feel safer when expressing anger.

You will be able to separate yourself emotionally from her so you know where she ends and you begin.

You will find yourself able to be with and process feelings like guilt, regret, shame, and fear.

Your mother will no longer be the subject the sucks the life out of you.

You will know what to do in the moment "when your mom is going loco on you."

You will become the leader in the relationship.