Unhelpful Assumptions About Why Adult Daughters Go No-Contact…And What’s More Likely To Be The Case

Assumption: the only reason you, as an adult daughter, would choose to estrange yourself from your mother is because she was cruelly and intentionally abusive to you as a child.

Assumption: if you've gone no-contact with your mother for any reason other than the assumption above, it means you are some combination of: ungrateful, disrespectful, bratty, dramatic, misguided, horrible, irresponsible, overly sensitive, reactive, entitled, immature, hateful, spoiled, selfish, weak, or cruel.

Assumption: you have been brainwashed by therapists, coaches, and the Internet to believe that you were abused as a child and that's why you went no-contact.

Assumption: you didn't try hard enough.

Assumption: you don't care about your mother, don't miss your mother, and/or don't want a relationship with your mother, and are anti-family.

What's more likely to be the case: because of...

#1 the patriarchal conditioning those of us socialized as female have received, going back thousands of years, combined with intergenerational trauma and internalized shame;

#2 a lack of understanding of trauma and what it does to our holistic selves, not to mention that acknowledging trauma or seeking help was seen as weak and shameful;

#3 racism, white supremacy, misogyny, poverty, and so many other intersections and aspects of a culture that doesn't value women equally...

...some mothers – especially Baby Boomers and those in the Silent Generation – who were taught to be disconnected from themselves and their emotions, and to believe that there is something inherently wrong with them, were thus ill-equipped and un-resourced for motherhood the way it has been configured for centuries:

You shall marry a man; he will work; you will have his babies and raise them by yourself in your own home without help; you will raise them to be smart, productive, workers who don't have feelings because feelings are stupid and get in the way of being "normal" and productive; and you will be happy about it.

So they become one more link in the chain and unwittingly pass the trauma (which at it's core is a disconnection from one's feeling/sensing self) and shame to their daughters.

There are adult daughters and mothers (in all generations) who are on a leading edge of undoing that conditioning and who are choosing a different way: a different way to be women, a different way to be human, a different way to be mothers, a different way that might include not becoming a mother, a different way of mothering, a different way of working, a different way of relating, a different way of healing, a different way of life, a different way of [fill in the blank].

There is a subset of Baby Boomer/Silent Generation mothers – who instead of being okay with, and encouraging their daughters to choose a different way – take it as a personal affront and rebuke of themselves, their values, and their mothering. Then uncomfortable feelings (usually fear, shame, or grief) arise and they don't have a healthy way to process those emotions (because they were taught not to). In some cases, those feelings are so painful they trigger a fight, flight, freeze, fawn response.

When you try to talk with your mother about it, you're met with some combination of a blank stare, tears, dismissive comments, helplessness, pity, resentment, contempt, anger...and definitely a lack of empathy.

The vulnerability is too much.

She "can't" have these conversations. She can't acknowledge her own trauma or choose to do her own healing work because her nervous system has been hijacked, and even though the tools are now available to her too, she won't use them. Over time, she creates a narcissistic shield to protect herself from shame, fear, and deep sadness or grief. She becomes increasingly bitter, critical, and negative, and projects the shame, fear, and sadness onto you. This can create a trauma bond between the two of you.

As you grow (and do your own inner work, which your mother criticizes you for), you find it increasingly hard to be around your mother. You may realize that you don't feel safe around her. That it takes too much energy to "control" yourself around her. It's hard to like and respect yourself around her.

You want to break the trauma bond. Break the cycle. And the more you separate in this way, the more autonomous you become, the more angry/hurt/sad/jealous/resentful your mother becomes.

"Resenting your daughter won't halt her progress." (paraphrased from Marshall McLuhan, who said it about technology)

You then have a heart-wrenching choice: attachment (no matter how insecure) to your mother (and maybe also belonging in your family of origin), or your own authenticity and aliveness.

My sense is that it's rare for an adult daughter, who is enmeshed (through not fault of her own) with a mother as I described above, to be able to choose her own authenticity and aliveness without going no-contact, at least for a little while.

It's possible for an adult daughter, who has gone no-contact and has done her own work to cultivate and protect her authenticity and aliveness, to re-establish contact with her mother in a healthy way (boundaries!).

It's also possible for an adult daughter who has chosen permanent estrangement from her mother to live a life of authenticity and aliveness, no matter what people assume about her!

I am a coach and mentor for those who want to cultivate and protect their authenticity and aliveness, no matter what level of contact they choose. I offer them a variety of tools to help them know their own minds (and values), feel safer in their bodies, set healthy boundaries, and discern when being in contact with their mothers is threatening to their authenticity and aliveness.

Knowing that it's possible is step one of creating it for yourself. If you’d like a helpful guide, click here to schedule a call with me to talk about working together.

Much, much love,

Karen