You Are Not Harming Her

Your mother not liking or understanding the choices you make or the boundaries you establish does not mean you are hurting or harming her.

“But you don’t understand…this MY mother we’re talking about. She’s going to think [fill in the blank]. She’s going to feel [fill in the blank]. She’s not going to get it. She’ll just say [fill in the blank].”

I get it. You’re on high alert when it comes to what your mother thinks, feels, says, and does.

So much so that you can’t even consider what you think or feel.

Because that’s what being on high alert does…it crowds out rational, creative thought and disconnects you from the wisdom of your emotions.

So the question is: Who will you become when you’re no longer joined with her at the mental/emotional hip?

Two things tend to happen when you ponder the answer to this question:

1. You feel a bit untethered…you don’t know who you will become (and that can be identity rattling). You are still you, but in a slightly different way (and that rattles her identity…it rattles the relationship).

2. You fear that she will be hurt/fall apart/fly into a rage and you won’t be able to handle it.

Here’s the thing:

Choosing to think for yourself doesn’t mean she can’t think for herself.

Considering how you feel about something doesn’t mean she can’t consider how she feels.

Stepping into your power doesn’t disempower her.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean she can’t set boundaries.

No longer sacrificing yourself doesn’t mean she has to continue sacrificing herself.

Respecting yourself doesn’t mean you don’t respect her or that she can’t respect herself.

The difference is that you’ve learned to affirm yourself. Approve of yourself. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Know you’re worthy.

And she may think she needs to get those things from you and from others (because that’s the patriarchal water we’ve been swimming in for thousands of years…we’ve internalized it).

You are not harming her.

She may not agree. Her ego may perceive hurt, her nervous system may perceive a threat that’s not actually there, but she won’t be harmed in the true sense of the word.

You are an intelligent, creative, warm, compassionate person, yes? Include yourself in that.

Make the choice to honor yourself, your preferences, your values, and your boundaries from this place of emotional maturity and watch it serve a greater good.

It is possible to have a healthier, less codependent relationship with your mother (or daughter). Click here to schedule some time to talk with me about doing just that.

Much, much love,

Karen

“A ‘good’ mother then becomes synonymous with a selfless and self-sacrificing mother. … It would not be deviant, transgressive, or aberrant if a mother wishes to not meet the ‘self-denying and self-sacrificing’ criteria of motherhood — she would simply be a mother who embraces assertiveness, self-acceptance, self-actualisation, self-healing, and above all self-love while caring for her children.” ~ Maithili Kulkarni in The Curious Case of the ‘Self-Sacrificing’ Mother