Your mother probably taught you that lying is wrong...
...so why is it so hard to have a honest connection with her? Besides her being her?
(reading time = 3-4 minutes)
Having an honest connection means nothing more and nothing less than you telling her the truth about what's okay and what's not okay – what you are willing and not willing to do in the relationship – rather than people-pleasing her.
If you currently people-please her, it's not because you're weak and pathetic. It's because you were taught, like most of us, that being pleasing is safer than being honest.
Her displeasure feels like a threat (and it has since you were a little girl).
Think about a time you may have tried to set a boundary with her.
Maybe there was a blast of calls and texts and "how dare you's."
Maybe there was silence.
Maybe there were passive-aggressive comments on Facebook.
Maybe your father, a sibling, or a friend of hers told you how devastated she is.
You held your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Your brain cycled through all the things your mother might think and/or say about you (and which your own brain has taken on): you're a bad person; you don't care; you're a selfish, spoiled brat; you're tearing the family apart, you're hurting me.
So you gave in in order to prove that you're not those things. Because for sure your mother has a list of things she thinks you need to be and do in order to for her to be happy – a daughter she approves of.
And you've done those things. But you really don't want to any more. You can continue to do them and you can continue to be resentful. You can keep trying to please her...or trying to avoid her at all costs.
Explaining.
Defending.
Proving.
Or.
Or you can establish some healthy boundaries, find your way back to yourself and to your truth, and have a honest connection with her.
Because it has gotten to the point where you can no longer do this to yourself. You no longer want to try and live up to the stories your mother has about you in her head (or maybe, like me, it's about no longer staying in the "less-than" position your mother put you in).
THIS is where the peace and relief you crave lies.
The honest relationship you are cultivating with yourself has to be more important that the dishonest* relationship you have with your mother.
(*this doesn't mean you're a dishonest person. It means you have a nervous system that
perceives your mother's displeasure as a threat, so OF COURSE you're dishonest...you're protecting yourself)
And it might be one of the hardest things you ever do. As my friend and colleague Deb Malkin says, there exists within us "'rule breaking fear' because there was/is often immense social threat for not following the rules."
It takes time to be able to make these kinds of choices and to feel safe doing so.
When I finally got honest with myself (and my mother), she didn't like it. She rejected me and didn't want to talk to me (this after a several-year estrangement that she wanted me to end!). Because I wasn't the compliant daughter I was before. She thought things would go back how they were before 2010 when I told her I was done.
Guess what?
I didn't die. I finally stopped rejecting myself and not only didn't I die, I liberated myself and It was exhilarating.
Over time she came around and now we have a different kind of relationship. One based on the truth. And it's so much easier. It's not always fun. She's still who she's always been.
But I am no longer spending my precious time and energy trying to figure out how to please her.
No more people-pleasing. No more toothless anger.
I set clear, kind boundaries with love and respect for myself (rather than resentment for her).
I can help you do that.
In The Mother Lode we figure out what boundaries you want to have, how to set them, communicate them, and maintain them.
We create safety in your body.
We work on you having your own back when she flips out or gives you the silent treatment.
And I will be there to high-five you all along the way.
Get started by clicking here.
Much, much love,
Karen
P.S. The Mother Lode isn't for everyone. It's not even for everyone who wants to set boundaries with their mothers.
It's specifically for you if you want to set boundaries with your mother AND:
You want to express yourself more clearly and honestly
You want to free up the time and energy you currently spend trying to figure out how to "handle" her
You want to be your favorite self (not your “higher” or “best” self)
You want to get clear NOW about what you roles you will (or won't) play as your mother ages
You want the subject of your mother to no longer be the thing that rents ALL THE space in your head and sucks ALL THE air out the rooms you're in
