Breaking a cycle I didn’t think I could break
I haven't had any alcohol to drink in six months.
For me this milestone is less about sobriety in the way our culture currently talks about it, and more about an intention I have been living out since the end of 2010: energetic separation from my mother and releasing internalized shame that bound us together.
My decision to stop drinking is symbolic.
My relationship to alcohol was not something I payed much attention to until the past five-ish years, and what I am about to say has no judgement, morality, or shame: I was a daily drinker for 25+ years.
I didn't want to quit alcohol, I wanted to WANT to quit alcohol.
But there was incredible resistance and anger pent up in me because quitting was tied up in the relationship I had with my mother (you can read more details about that here).
On some level, I knew that if I quit, it might really and truly signal the end of our relationship because we would no longer have that in common and she would see my quitting as the ultimate betrayal. One more way I thought I was better than her (her words, not mine).
There's another aspect to this that's worth noting: "having a problem" with something like food, alcohol, cigarettes, or any other substance that could be considered addictive was in and of itself a big problem for my mother (even though she drinks and smokes). Only "those people" or "people like that" have problems and need help.
Getting help was not okay (because it was an admission) nor was "taking the easy way out" (of anything).
And here's the thing: for the past six months I have been taking medication indicated for weight loss, but which also shows incredible promise in helping people with addictions. Not Ozempic/Wegovy (semaglutide) but Mounjaro/Zepbound (tirzepatide).
When I say that within hours of taking my first injection, I was free from "food noise" let me put it this way: I didn't realize I had "food noise" until I no longer had it. It was like I had space in my brain that I didn't know I could have.
I was hoping my "wine noise" would disappear similarly but it did not.
In the beginning, only two things kept me from drinking:
#1 my fear of throwing up (the reports on the Zepbound Reddit board from folks who drank alcohol while on this medication were pretty gruesome) and…
#2 I didn't want to find out that I wouldn't get sick from drinking (because there were an equal number of reports from people who said they could drink on it no problem).
So being on Zepbound helped me but not in the way I had hoped.
It didn't take away the urge and I had some pretty strong urges! But I allowed them. I noticed them. I named them. I normalized them. I neutralized them. I asked myself what I need...and I took the next step. I did all the unshaming work.
A month or so ago I marveled at how much fun I had at a couple of events where there was drinking...without drinking. This was UNTHINKABLE to me in the past because I believed (like many) that alcohol made it easier for me to have more fun.
Instead, I have felt more myself, more alive, and more energized in the past six months than I have in a long time and that's saying something because I have been focused on being my favorite self for years now.
What didn't occur to me until now is that on February 6, 2024, I didn't just quit drinking, I severed a major energetic shame connection with my mother.
So I am celebrating unshaming drinking, unshaming quitting drinking, and not letting the internalized shame my mother and I both carry stop me from making a choice I really wanted to make, but which felt unsafe on so many levels, for so many years.
To FREEDOM!
Much, much love,
Karen
P.S. Have you heard about Shame School? It’s all about severing energetic shame connections. Join before August 31 and get a 1:1 session with me!
