Is it time to quit this job?

Science says your nervous system is primed to seek your mother's approval and to avoid her displeasure in order to stay alive.

If you grew up with an emotionally healthy (not perfect) mother, she instinctively knew not to use that science against you and taught you not only how to stay alive without her, but also that her emotional well-being is her job not yours.

If you didn't get that kind of mother, you may still have that job, even if it's been decades since you relied on her for your safety.

But here's the thing: you don't create her displeasure. You never did. She does. She is in charge of her displeasure and everything else she feels. She may not like it when you act a certain way or do things a certain way, but how she feels about it is her choice.

Being emotionally immature is not an accusation or an insult. We are ALL emotionally immature from time to time and in certain situations or with certain people.

That's because we were taught – implicitly and explicitly – that other people create and/or are responsible for our emotions. It's that subject/object thing I've written about before. My hope is that with each passing generation, we claim our power as subjects.

Try as she might to control you with her displeasure, to make you be who and what she wants you to be (because she thinks that will "make her happy"), you will never be able to "make her happy."

I mean, if it were possible to infuse your mother with happiness and contentment and well-being, you surely would, but you can't.

So if you're feeling frustrated, angry, guilty, hurt, devastated, ashamed, or resentful know this: your mother's displeasure means nothing about you.

I am sure you've heard some version of that before, but maybe you don't know what it actually means:

Your mother is experiencing a feeling in her body that she doesn't like and doesn't know how to change or take responsibility for.

She may be trying very hard to make it your responsibility. You may be deciding you don't want that job any more.

Need help quitting? This doesn't mean going no-contact unless that's what you want. It means knowing what's yours and what's not yours. Schedule a consult with me.

Much, much love,

Karen