On overcooked rice and shame
I bought a rice cooker.
It's a simple model with two settings: "warm" and "cook." When it's done cooking, it switches automatically to the "warm" setting.
When I make rice in it, using the amount of water recommended, I find that the water cooks off too fast and the rice sticks a bit to the bottom.
So, the other night, when I made rice, I put more water in than was recommended. When it clicked over to "warm," I opened the lid and saw that it was still full of water, so I closed it back up, and set it to "cook" again.
When it was done and back in "warm" mode, the water was gone and the rice wasn't sticking.
As we sat down to eat, I told my husband that the rice might be overcooked or mushy, and why.
He replied, "Couldn't you have just drained the extra water?"
Before I could even take a breath, I retorted with a comment (that I can't remember) in a snippy, snide, sarcastic tone.
And before that comment was fully out of my mouth I caught myself and said, "Dang...I didn't mean to be so snippy!"
I explained that his question triggered shame of the "I'm stupid" variety. And before I could stop it, I handed "I'm stupid" right back to him, implying with my tone: "No, you're stupid!"
That's the thing about shame.
It's often so painful that we react to it as if it's a literal threat. And for me, in this moment, with this person, that meant fight!
My husband wasn't shaming me. The shame that has lived within me since childhood interpreted his question through the lens of "I'm stupid."
I am an expert on shame and I still experience shame.
Releasing it isn't one-and-done. At first, it's so annoying that that's the case.
And then it isn't any more.
Being a compassionate witness to yourself allows you to catch yourself in the moment...and release the shame once again.
And it's in this specific way that you become not like your mother.
Within five minutes of that exchange with my husband, I was a giddy with pride and awareness.
Much, much love,
Karen
Read my new book: You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame
Funny cartoon a client sent me :-)
